Last night, I had a dream that allowed me to become a spectator at one of my high school games.  As I sat in the front row like a celebrity at a Laker game-next to a very attractive girl no one introduced me to-I watched my high-school-self run the offense to perfection and bark out various commands to each of my teammates.

One play began with me tossing the ball to the high post and then I looped around a screen from the wing and faded into the corner.  The high post kicked the ball back to me and I reared up for a shot just as the whistle blew.  The ref announced to everyone in the gym that the violation was a moving screen.  I paused for a second and then let the shot fly, and it clanged off the rim and jumped over the backboard and nestled between the backboard and the shot clock.

My spectating-self yelled from my courtside seat, “RENT A SHOT!” as my playing-self hustled over to the bench for the media timeout.

As the teams prepared for another rousing speech from their coaches, the ref strolled by and looked me right in the eye.  Sure enough it was Will Ferrell with a crew cut, a red headband and two oversized white wristbands.  My inner fan looked him in the eye and shouted, “YOU SUCK!” and pointed my judgmental finger in his direction.  Then, I woke up and decided to write an article about the things that annoy me about all referees.

THE FASHION POLICE OFFICIAL

During the middle of an intense basketball game that has left carnage deep-sixed around the court, you notice the ref stop the game and tell a player to tuck in his shirt.  What is the point of this rule?  I believe this is just another example of allowing refs, who are post-athlete flunkies, to lord over their heroes, and thus feeding into their apparent short man disease.

DO NOT CROSS THAT LINE

Sideline warnings are another useless rule that can be called on nearly every play in college and the NFL.  Why not institute an electric shock system like people have for their wandering housedogs?  When the 12^th player or coach meanders past the invisible shock line they are blasted by a high-level of electricity.  Let’s get serious about the sanctity of the game and not allow these coaches and players to be on the field for unnecessary things like celebrations.

BRING IT ON

I like it when a ref totally blows a call, leaving the coach no other discourse other than to give him an ear full from the opposite end of the court or field or from inside the dugout.  Instead of ignoring the coach and continuing the play, the ref/umpire struts toward the coach like an irritated ostrich complete with protruding chest and ready to pick a fight.  Do you really think taking an aggressive stance is going to calm down the situation?  Why not just admit you are wrong and that you secretly are jealous of the athletes and coaches because you weren’t good enough to be them, and then go about your business?

IT IS EASIER TO BLOW THE WHISTLE IF IT ISN’T LODGED DEEP IN YOUR THROAT

“We are just going to let them play!” is great but inevitably leads to an awful call in the worst of times.  It is as if the refs have an unwritten code forcing them to swallow the whistle with under two minutes left in the game.  This means anything short of cold-blooded murder will not be ruled a foul.  Unfortunately, there is always one ref that inexplicitly blows the whistle for a minor offense.  This call is usually whistled on the guy who just seconds before was mugged and left for dead without receiving a shred of justice.

GETTING YOUR QUOTA

I hate it when refs decide to start the game by calling every little ticky-tack foul, including if you look at someone wrong 90-feet from the basket.  This is worse in basketball because it is inevitable leads to two quick fouls on the star athlete like Kobe Bryant or Dwight Howard.  This forces the coach to place their star on the bench for the remainder of the half, and more importantly, it forces the fan to have to watch guys named Sun Yue and Marcin Gortat.  While the stars rot on the bench, the opposing teams lick their chops as they take full advantage of the ref’s indiscretions.  (I must apologize for the reference of Kobe being called for a foul; I forgot that NEVER happens.)

THE FICKLE OFFICIAL

In football, I hate it when a ref throws his flag and only after his yellow hanky hits the turf causing him to receive an ear-full from coaches, players and a stadium full of fans, he reconsiders what he saw and tucks the flag deep within his white stretchy pants.  He proceeds to look for the nearest hole and crawls into it and ceases to exist for the remainder of the game.  Be a man and make the call.  The only thing worse than the fickle official is the official that makes the call a day and a half late.

BLATANT MAKEUP CALL

I hate the blatant makeup call that manifests itself on the ensuing possession through a traveling violation in basketball or holding call in football.  Truth be told, the basketball player most likely traveled and the offensive guard surely held, but they do that on every single play.  Why is it a given that a ref will “spot” these violations after just blowing a call on the previous trip down the court, or during the previous play?

FAILING TO DO THE BLATANT MAKEUP CALL

What I hate more than when refs blatantly administering a makeup call, is when refs refuse to make a blatant makeup call.  You know…they know…hell, everyone knows that they totally blew it.  But instead of just leveling the playing field with the next call, they stand on their high morals and hold to the rule: two wrongs don’t make a right.  I hate that holier-than-thou attitude.  Make the blatant make-up call and then ignore me when I yell at you for doing it.

MAKING THE RIGHT CALL EVEN THOUGH IT IS THE WRONG CALL

Let me just say the “tuck” rule in football, and the hanging on the rim technical in basketball.  Yes, they are the right calls, but they are oh-so wrong.  Let it be a fumble like at the end of this year’s Super Bowl.  And let the extra “hang” time be for safety and not self-promotion.

BETTING ON THE GAMES

Finally, my last pet peeve is when refs bet on the games they are officiating.  To me, that just seems unfair…unless someone lets me in on it.

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Sorry this article was so long.  Tomorrow, I will discuss the things I like about refs, which should only be around four words long.

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J.David has never won an award for his writing, but he is a former collegiate athlete for a small college where everyone makes the team. Currently, he is a grad student at the University of Southern California studying the archaic form called, Print Journalism. J.David has been on the giving end and receiving end of technical fouls, so he is no stranger to bad officiating.

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