In order to help sports fans navigate through the ever spinning PR machine, J.David gives his round-up of the weekly sports headlines. He removes the bull and reads in between the lines to the real story and the real meaning of the top stories.

If/when Manny signs, will he be happy? – fox sports

If and when Manny signs, he will have 45-million reasons to be happy but the headline asks the wrong question.  The right question is “If/when Manny signs, will he still be LAZY?  No amount of money in the world helps a person stop being lazy (or crazy), so I guess we know that “Manny being Manny” is not a phrase that will fade away into oblivion.

Negotiations between Los Angeles Dodgers and Scott Boras still ongoing – canadian press

Translation:  The LA Dodgers are patiently waiting for the money-hungry criminal, Scott Boras, to tell them what he wants for Manny’s next contract.  They are also waiting for Spring Training to end because Manny hates going through the motions in meaningless games; he would rather do that in games that matter.  

DT Haynesworth gets $100 million deal with Redskins – houston chronicle

The Non-PC Original Headline:  Haynesworth, like the original settlers, just screwed the Redskins.  This only means that the next stop for the Redskins is somewhere in western Oklahoma.  

Santana’s elbow prompts scratch – san francisco chronicle

Translation:  He had an itch on his elbow.  It was a slow news day.

Tiger loses in a most un-Tiger-like way – fox sports

What is the “most un-Tiger-like way” of losing?  I will tell you.  It is losing.  Tiger lost in the most un-Tiger-like way which is having more strokes than the other guy.  Translation:  The only loss we expect out of Tiger is when he doesn’t enter the tournament.  

Irish teen knocks out player who beat Tiger – the register-guard

Translation:  No one knows the names of the “Irish teen” or the player who beat Tiger.  But if people are searching online for golf stories, then the search will involve the word “Tiger”.  Example: “Tiger, PGA, little white ball”.  The other option for this headline:  Irish hot teen knockers out straight up player who beats Tiger, and Britney Spears is caught with no panties again somewhere.  I see the page views multiplying already. 

Stephon Marbury punches in for fresh start – the boston hearld

Translation:  In his first practice with the Celtics, Marbury punched Rajon Rondo and Kendrick Perkins.  He then began ripping management and Coach Doc Rivers in the Boston Globe.  It is a fresh start for Marbury to destroy another organization, distract another team and take advantage of the poor by selling his $20 shoes to a new fan base. 

Trade Brings Elite TE Winslow – tampa bay tribune

Translation:  Cleveland cuts bait on an Elite TE that brings more trouble than TDs.  In a bold move to sabotage another AFC North Team, they tried to pawn him off within the division but there were no takers.  Instead, they sent him to Florida so he can live off the memories of his college career, because in the end, that is all he will have.

President Obama watches Wizards rout Bulls – la times

 Translation:  The first organization receiving the federal bailout money will be the Chicago Bulls.  The second will be the fans who paid to watch the Bulls underachieve since they grew up from the “baby bulls”.  Are these the turbulent teenage years?

Obama’s Presence Creates Quite a Stir – the washington post

Translation:  The game was sooooooooo boring that the only thing redeeming about the night was watching the President throw down the beers in the first row.  By the third quarter, he was talking more trash than Spike Lee talks at the Garden.  However, when Antwan Jamison did the “choke sign” to Obama, he was shot by the secret service.

Shaq has nothing but good things to say about Kobe, Lakers – la times

Translation:  Shaq has been so busy learning the Jabberwaukkee dance that he hasn’t had any time to write another rap about Kobe.  Tell me how my ass tastes!

Shaq scores 45 as Suns top Raptors – sports network

This was a simple misprint, an editing error.  It was supposed to say, “Shaq scores A 45 as Suns top Raptors.”  At first glance though the editors thought it was a misprint because MILFs are not really Shaq’s style.  In all actuality, the editors forgot the exchange rate between Canada and the US and the current state of the economy, so when all was said and done, it really was just a 22-year old.

Rays are big fish now – the boston globe

Urban Dictionary - fish (n, slang) – Another word for a pushover, someone who can easily be dominated.  Synonymous with “bitch” as in “someone’s bitch”.  

I guess that headline is about right, and the world is back to normal.

Clippers’ Eric Gordon Gets NBA to Take Notice – the new york times

Translation:  Hey everyone in the NBA, Eric Gordon is going to be available for a trade soon.  He plays for the Clippers, and they take those players with good work ethic, extreme amounts of potential and who are good team players, then turn them in to selfish bastards or trade them away for nickels and a bag of peanuts.

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If you have a headline that needs translating, please email J.David.  He is dedicated to providing no spin and no bull to keep you in the loop.  

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J.David has never won an award for his writing, but he is a former collegiate athlete for a small college where everyone makes the team.  Currently, he is a grad student at the University of Southern California studying the archaic form called, Print Journalism. J.David is currently taking a Sports PR class to find out how those dirty bastard work, and now he is passing that information on to you, the fan.  If you would like to help pay for his class it is only $4762.

More from The Sports Union

• Sports Headlines without the Bull (March 1-7)
• Sports Headlines without the Bull (March 8-15)
• Headlines from the Sporting World