In order to help sports fans navigate through the ever spinning PR machine, J.David gives his round-up of the weekly sports headlines. He removes the bull and reads in between the lines to the real story and the real meaning of the top stories.

T.O., Bills reach deal – fox sports

The terms of the deal were undisclosed, but through a little investigative reporting The Sports Union discovered what the terms actually are.  The Bills agreed to pay T.O. an inordinate amount of cash, without regard to the economic depression in which we currently reside, to come and play in Buffalo.  T.O. agreed to singlehandedly destroy another team, quarterback and coach; leaving them in shambles after one year.

Sir Charles — I Only Blame Myself – tmz

Due to constraints in the newspaper, the remaining headline was cut.  The original headline read “Sir Charles – I only blame myself and that lady who gives great head.”  In a related story, the “Round Mound of Rebound” was sentence to three days in jail, prompting the odds makers in Vegas to set the line at 3 to 2 that Chuck will be picked up the day he is released from jail for a DUI and reckless driving en route to procure the best H1 Hummer money can buy.

Bowden Adds Another Asterisk – penn live

There was more to the story than many realized, because upon completion of the investigation into cheating, the NCAA sent a letter to Major League Baseball stating, “TAKE NOTE:  This is how you deal with someone who is cheating to win.”  MLB promptly returned the letter, soaked in the urine of failed steroid tests, and with a scribbled note “At least we have a playoff system!”

Dodgers pregame notes: Manny Ramirez doesn’t have to cut hair – la times

Manny-being-Manny Translation:  Manny has made the Dodgers his bitch, and the self-conscience men in blue can’t get up enough courage to leave the abuser.  Meanwhile, the pretty sister across town (SHE ISN’T EVEN IN LA!) continues to be the delight of the family (angel, my ass).

Dallas Cowboys Replace Chris Canty With Igor – the landry hat

It is official … Jerry Jones has lost his mother f*cking mind.  After Jones and the Cowboys lost Canty to New York, they quickly looked to fill the gaping hole on the defensive line.  Due to the economic challenges or because Jones is crazy, the Cowboys signed Igor, the hunched back gimp, to plug the holes on the defensive side of the ball.  The creative acquisitions are not yet done for the Cowboys as they are in negotiations with Frankenstein, the Thing and the Incredible Hulk.

Like I Said, The Rangers Do Have Henrik Lundqvist – the manic ranger

Not to fret Ranger fans, this is only a mild case of the Henrik Lundqvist.  According to the report from team doctors, the Rangers will only need bed rest and some simple antibiotics.  Expect the Rangers to get back on the ice in 3-5 days.

The Hottest Girls Of The BCS: Big Ten – busted coverage

This original article was set to run during football season, but after scouring the Big 10 campuses-Iowa, Michigan, Ohio, Wisconsin, Illinois, Pennsylvania, Indiana and Minnesota-and finding no hot girls native to those states, the writers expanded the search for hotties to include girls from California, Texas and Florida, who simply attend Big 10 schools.  Thus, the list is now complete with only one girl native to a Big 10 state … Illinois via Northwestern. 

[in all seriousness - Minnesota, Indiana and Michigan State - WHOA! ]

Pat White and Tim Tebow Linked – nfl house

Unfortunately for them, they are linked together as great left-handed quarterbacks who are going to be awful NFL quarterbacks.  They continue the trend of awful left-handed quarterbacks, which includes Boomer Esiason, Michael Vick, Matt Leinart, and, of course, Steve Young.

5 Quick Thoughts vs. Minnesota [Timberwolves] – blaze of love

Here are the original quick thoughts:  1.  At the door, they should give weed to all those who have to endure this game (plus, snack sells will surely double).  2.  Thank God they don’t still have that prick Garnett.  3.  It will take 9 beers before the Timberwolves cheerleaders look good, and 27 before the game is actually exciting.  4.  There will be no “5″ because I just shot myself in the face.

NBA Dress Code: Has the image improved? – layup drill

The NBA image has improved, but it has less to do with the dress code and more to do with the limited number of rapes, DUIs on the way to get a BJ, driving 90 mph in a school zone while your infant child is roaming the backseat and the occasional shooting of your limo driver.  But if you want to think it is because you make Chris Quinn wear a suit to and from the game … you go right ahead. 

[in all seriousness - The NBA should work on the outfits of its announcers.  Craig Sager! ]

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Question(s) From the fans:

Dear J.David, I came across a blog called “The Mind of Maurice Clarett” and I can’t seem to get it to work.  Can you help? -Jay Smooth from Sugar Creek, OH.

Well Jay Smooth, I checked the site and it seems to be the official site of Maurice Clarett.  THE Maurice Clarett who was under the careful tutelage of one leprechaun, Jim Tressel, and now sits in a cell on weapon charges, resisting arrest and armed robbery.  The site has a simple black background and that is it.  My expert opinion based on my observation is that there is nothing going on in “The Mind of Maurice Clarett” … but haven’t we known that for years.

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If you have a headline that needs translating, please email J.David.  He is dedicated to providing no spin and no bull to keep you in the loop.  

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J.David has never won an award for his writing, but he is a former collegiate athlete for a small college where everyone makes the team.  Currently, he is a grad student at the University of Southern California studying the archaic form called, Print Journalism. J.David is currently taking a Sports PR class to find out how those dirty bastard work, and now he is passing that information on to you, the fan.  If you would like to help pay for his class it is only $4762.

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