For a basketball fan, does it get any better than the month of March?  I love everything involved in March Madness, but the sick, twisted part of my demented mind really enjoys the agony televised during Selection Sunday.  For me, the dejected look of teams left out of the Big Dance rivals the old Wide World of Sports clips depicting the “agony of defeat.”  Out of need to join in the fun of bursting some bubbles, I expand my sights to include all sports and to tell you the truth.  So, grab a blanket, a box of tissues, a warm cup of joe and prepare yourself for what is about to come.  Because I hate to burst your bubble, but …

1.  A Mid-Major will not make the Final Four this year, or the next hundred.

All the Gonzagas, Davidsons, Virginia Commonwealths, Western Kentuckys and North Dakota States get real.  I am not taking anything away from your teams or abilities, but at some point the damn slipper doesn’t fit anymore.  Sweet 16 is doable, hell maybe even the elite eight, but that is where the storybook ends.  You will never have the talent, depth, length or coaching to be able to step foot in the final weekend.  However, enjoy your time in the tournament and continue to dream those dreams at night because you will never make it into the spotlight dance.

2. College football will never have a playoff system.

Everything that is right about college basketball is what is wrong about college football.  A playoff.  And the old guard will clinch their bowl system to the grave.  Money.  Tradition.  And the total destruction of a fan friendly conclusion to the season.  Maybe, for everyone’s self-esteem, we can do away with rankings and give everyone a gold star.  Let’s stop keeping score while we are at it. 

Why not an eight team playoff system?  Taking out one regular season game, and removing the six wins for bowl eligibility, would only add only one additional game for two teams.  You can also keep all those illegitimate bowls that gets off the old guard like grandpa on Viagra.

3. College athletes will continue to cheat, as will college engineers and even college journalists.

Seriously.  I love the fact that if an athlete is caught cheating the sporting world collapses.  People are appalled, and can’t believe how a university could allow something like that to happen.  I would imagine that 65 percent of athletes cheat in some way or another, and that the number probably doesn’t decrease as you move throughout the “real” students.  Yep, said it!  Can we also strike the phrase “student-athlete” from our vocabulary?  Students cheat, whether they are athletes or not.  Get over it. 

4. NASCAR will never be more than a redneck sport.

Hello?  It is an event where cars drive fast in a circle.  How does a kid get involved in training for said sport?  He steals a car and dodges the cattle and a random wild turkey as he speeds down country roads; most likely with an Old-Milwaukee Light in one hand, dip of chaw in his left cheek and his friend, Jed, sitting shotgun. 

5.  Boxing will never again be more exciting than MMA or UFC.  But they all will continue to suck.

This bursts my bubble because I remember watching in fear as Mike Tyson would gingerly walk to the ring with his cutoff towel shirt and his menacing persona.  The thought of him still sends shivers down my spine, and makes me wonder why anyone ever stepped foot in a ring with him.  His matches, though usually lasting only seconds, were still exciting because you never knew when his lightning upper cut would land squarely on his opponents chin.  Now, there are no great personalities in boxing.

Enter MMA and UFC.  Exciting? Yes.  Riveting? About as much as an elementary schoolyard fight on steroids. 

I hate to say it, but the love of boxing/fighting/and that karate kid shit has gone by the wayside, and even getting two chicks to beat each other senseless wasn’t enough to make us take notice.

6.  NHL will never be more than an ugly stepsister to the rest of the sporting world (and Canada will never be considered a part of the “sporting world”).

There is nothing in sports as exciting as overtime in hockey.  However, you have to endure 60-minutes of boredom to get there.  Not only do you have to watch long-ass games, but you also have to watch unknown players with names that are impossible to pronounce.

Plus, in order to play the game you need cold weather.  Money.  Equipment.  And a damn good dental plan.  This is not an accessible sport and it never will be.  Therefore, it will remain an afterthought and its popularity, if it has any, will be localized to rich kids who live in cold climates, or foreigners.

Hey Canada, hockey is your bastard child.  Take it.  Have it.  We don’t care about it anyway.

(Check back tomorrow for the remainder of the list)

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