I was fine.

I resigned myself to the fact that the Detroit Lions–the team I have wasted countless hours watching, contemplating and complaining about–were spending more money on an unproven quarterback than the entire landlocked region of Africa spends on rice.

I talked myself into believing that a rocket arm coupled with Calvin Johnson’s ability to get open would work.

I starting buying into Schwartz’s rhetoric about Matthew Stafford knowing how to carry himself, and being used to the criticism that comes with being and SEC quarterback.

“At least he’s not a Pac-10 quarterback,” I rationalized.

And so I watched the draft, with renewed optimism, relishing every pick that wasn’t a middle linebacker or offensive tackle (two of the Lions’ biggest needs).

I had on my Barry Sanders shirt,  to remind myself just how bad the Lions can screw up great players.  I had the Domino’s pizza box, already half empty, at my side.  The Tigers’ game was on one screen, and ESPN blared from the other.

I typed gleefully on the GrantTunkelMockdraft.blogspot.com live chat, making fun of the Oakland Raiders, and laughing at random jabs made by fellow chatters.

Finally the Lions were on the clock again at No. 20.  “Tackle or linebacker. Tackle or linebacker. I don’t care which.  Oher, or Maualuga.  They are both there, surely even the Lions can’t piss me off.”

…”With the 20th pick in the 2009 NFL Draft the Detroit Pussy Cats select Brandon Pettigrew, tight end from Oklahoma State.”

What! A TE?

You selected a $41 million quarterback with your first pick, don’t you want to at least make an attempt at keeping him upright?  Your defense gave up a billion points, don’t you want someone up the middle with fire, drive and a little crazy to solidify that spot?

Of course they don’t.  What did we expect?  Schwartz said they would take the best players, not draft for position.

Turns out he wasn’t joking.

With so many needs isn’t a TE a luxury spot? Don’t you need a line to block in order for your quarterback to have time to throw the ball to a TE?

Fine, he was the highest rated player on the board.  Fine.  He can run block, which hopefully the Lions will have him do often.  Fine.

We pick again in 13 spots, and Rey Maualuga is falling fast, let’s just hope he’s still there, no way they pass on him twice.

After several minutes of being miffed, Steve Young’s claim that “there is a pulse in Detroit” finally snapped me out of the funk; who am I to question Steve Young?

So I went back to complaining to the live chat, adding several jabs at the Lions.

“The Detroit Lions traded up to take the U.S. Navy…they would be better,” when ESPN showed the servicemen/women on stage (I was only half joking).

First round is over, 3 hours and 23 minutes, my team had two picks; I agreed with zero.  Surely this can’t continue.

First pick of the second round; offensive tackle Eben Britton is there–not as good as Oher would have been at 20, but still you need to block for the quarterback.  And who would have guessed Maualuga would have dropped to the second round????

“If the Lions pass on Maualuga again I am going to rip off the Barry Sanders shirt I’m wearing and burn it inside this apartment.”   (Again, only half joking…I figured it was a shallow threat, surely they wouldn’t pass on him.)

…’With the 33rd pick in the 2009 NFL Draft the Detroit Lions select Louis Delmas, Safety from Western Michigan’…

WHAT THE [editor's cut].

I was done chatting. I was done being optimistic. If I had been at my own apartment, and had a few more barley-pops in me I might have followed through with the threat to burn my favorite shirt.

I hope that Delmas is the best safety in the world.  But when a Western Michigan grad later tells me, “He was OK, had a really good combine which scares me because it overrates people,”  it doesn’t sprout confidence. He was OK?  Just OK? Coming from a person who semi-watched this guy for four years (let’s be honest, when people at Western watch games, they usually aren’t sober enough to watch the whole game) and he’s just OK?

Great.

Going into the draft the Lions badly needed a linebacker and needed a left tackle even worse, so much so that most of their fan base was clamoring for them to draft one of those positions with the first pick.  When that went out the window with the ricockulous contract given to Stafford, the sentiment was ‘at least we have the 20th pick.’

Instead of plugging the holes with linemen and trench players, on the first day of the draft the Lions got a quarterback (who with any luck will sit the bench for a year) a tight end, and a safety.

Seriously?!?

Go buy Madden 2009, grab some friends, and do a mock league draft.  See how many rounds go by before either a TE or a safety is drafted.   If they are drafted before the fifth round, kick the draftee in the nuts.  (Please don’t use the excuse: ‘but that is an exhibition team, you are starting from scratch’ …the Lions are starting from scratch.)

I thought that a day or so later I would cool off, I’d start to buy the line that they took the best player at each position in this draft.

But I can’t.

Martin Mayhew said that he didn’t  care about how this draft was graded this year, but in 3 years.  Let me make this prediction Mr. Mayhew: you won’t be here in three years to be judged.  You will be wallowing in the Matt Millen pond of scum.

You overpaid for someone the fans won’t support, you drafted a position most teams see as a luxury and you took a mid-major safety when you needed a big-time linebacker.  How long before the fans mutiny?

And lest you forget, Mr. Mayhew, you are not Matt Millen.  On the face of it that might sound like a  good thing, but it means you won’t be given eight years to keep shitting the bank.  You will have two.  You’ve already wasted one with your decisions this year.  There is no chance your team garners more than four wins.  Then when the top of the draft is littered with topflight quarterbacks, what will you do then?

I’m sure you’ll need a kicker, Jason Hanson is getting old, and after you can just claim, “We got the best player at his position.”

********************************

Kevin Patra is pissed and won’t let us put up his normal tag line.  He said to say: “It would have been better if they had just let a computer simulate the draft for them.”

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