You think you can trust a guy.  You build a Web site together, slave over it for countless unpaid hours to provide a few procrastinators an excuse not to work.  Then he decides to go on a three month sabbatical.  “Don’t worry,” he tells you, “I’ll write at least once a week.”  So you believe him, give him a month to travel around and get settled.  Then you finally set a schedule.  He will write three times every two weeks.  That is 30 percent of the work. So on his first scheduled day, he bails faster than A-Rod from the playoff stage.  OK I lied, he showed up, but in true J.D. fashion he was drunk and late, or was that the girl he spent the night with??

It’s not that I don’t understand the need to blow off some steam, bang a few BlAfricans (Blond Africans) and enjoy some Afrikaner titillation.  But if you are going to say you are going to do something, just F’n do it.  So in honor of the immortal J.David, and his ever-fleeting sense of responsibility, I give you 10 athletes I’d rather be in business with (no particular order):

Terrell Owens:  Who wouldn’t want to work with a selfish, narcissistic, driveway-sit-up champion?  One thing Owens wouldn’t do is go quietly on a vacation without you ever hearing from him.  He’d make sure that you heard from him every week, every day, every minute.  Of course he’d do it by making sure his face was splashed across as many media platforms as possible.  But at least you’d know if he was working or not.

A-Rod:  Sure he might pull his pants down in the office to inject a shot every once in a while, but what office doesn’t have that problem?  It’s also true that he will probably fail me as soon as the big moment comes.  However, his draw with the ladies increases my odds of hitting home runs.

Jose Canseco:  Is this guy ever wrong?  Every time he says, “Player X did steroids,” we come to later find out he was correct (see, McGwire, Mark; Rodriguez, Alex; Ramirez, Manny; need I go on???).  If he is even half as much right in a business venture we would be making millions. (For the record I’m glad the only thing Jose is good at is naming people who’ve used steroids. Oh, and he’s also good at talking about himself, but you didn’t need me to tell you that).

Michael Vick: Yes, I would take both pre- and post-jail Vick over J.D.  The man obviously will do whatever it takes to be successful. (I apologize to PETA in advance. I don’t need your letter, I’ve already got 14 from last week).  And sure maybe now he’s rusty from chilling in the can for months, but at least he should be hungry.

John Rocker:   There is no one more annoying to listen to that Rocker–OK maybe Canseco–but as long as he is throwing heaters at the other team’s heads, I want him on my side.  Plus if we decide to invest in a pig farm, he’ll fit right in; he’s got a lot of experience shoveling shit.

Fred Smoot:  One guy has a sex party on a boat one time and everybody freaks out about it.  If we were partners, sure, he might make a dumb PR move that sinks what could have been a successful year for the business, but at least he’d invite me on the boat.  I haven’t see J.David on any boats lately, let alone throwing any sex parties.

Cecil Fielder:  So he blew millions of dollars gambling and went bankrupt, who hasn’t?  I tell you what though, when we have our yearly company hot dog eating contest at least he’ll be able to bet on himself.

Sean Avery:  So he is a terrible human being who calls his All-Star teammates “boring,” so what?  There is a good chance he will let me have his sloppy seconds.  J.D. would have to have firsts before there are seconds.  Plus [editor's cut].

Barry Bonds:  Egotistical? Check.  Big head? Check.  Talks in an annoyingly high-pitched voice that makes you want to castrate yourself? Check.  Those are the top three things I look for on every resume.

Dale Earnhardt Jr.:  I would love to work with an underachieving daddy’s boy who gets propped up by ignorant fans who really want him to be his father.  His constant failure will only hide the fact that I bring only slightly better attributes to the table.  Oh wait, are we talking about Jr. or J.David? (BBBUUUURRRRNNNNNNNN!!!)

OK so I was joking.  J.Dizzle I hope you have a great time fighting Apartheid, covering cricket matches and wrestling lions.  Just check in every once in a while, bastard.

**************************************

Kevin Patra lives by the adage: Those who can’t do, teach, and those who can’t do or teach, write.  Currently, he is a graduate student at the University of Southern California studying Online Journalism, after spending four years at the University of Michigan obtaining a bachelors degree from the school of Language, Science & Fun.  Patra is currently working on a font that indicates when sarcasm and humor are being utilized in written works.

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