
Sorry, fellas. If you thought this was an article to help you figure out when you’re supposed to walk in on Angelina Jolie and Jennifer Love Hewitt during a steam-room daydream, you’re going to be sorely disappointed. Nope. Sorry. (Although for the record, it’s approximately two seconds after Jennifer says, “Ugh, it’s so hot in here and these towels are so stuffy…”) As mini-camps get underway, this article is here merely to serve as a how-to guide to running a proper fantasy football league. So, let’s get started…
League Set-Up
First things first: it’s 12 teams. None of this 10-team crap. If you don’t know 11 other people, kill yourself. If you’ve got the stones (or are running a Bernie Madoff-style Ponzi scheme using the money your friends have paid you for the league fees) go for the 14-team league. If you absolutely must have a 10-team league though, for the sake of your reputation, each team better start two quarterbacks at the very least. For me though, 12 teams just feels right. In the Goldilocks lexicon of analogies, 12 teams is the ‘middle bear’ equivalent for a fantasy football league: not too big, not too small, just right.
Rosters
Make it tough. This is fantasy. Your real life is dull and boring enough; give yourself a challenge. If you can’t name the back-up slot receiver for the Seahawks, then – as the adorable Ben Affleck would say in Armageddon: “What the hell are we trying to save?” Personally, my preference is 2-QB, 2-RB, 3-WR, 1-RB/WR, 1-TE, 1-K, 1-DEF – enough talent to be spread around, yet enough no-names to make a difference. It makes for better trading, more draft strategy, and a perfect balance of luck and skill when you’re setting your lineup. And to anyone out there who still thinks 1-QB is better: well first of all – your skirt looks really cute; second – tell me how much fun a 1-QB league is when you’re looking to make a trade and all the teams have guys like Cutler, McNabb, and Eli Manning as their back-ups [Note: all three of those quarterbacks finished below the top twelve in QB rating last year, yet are quality starters on any team].
Scoring

Again guys, I’m sorry. This part isn’t about when you’re supposed to take a girl you just met home from the bar. (Although – what the hell – for the record one more time, it’s generally after you’ve bought her a fifth shot of Jaeger and she tells you how her ex-boyfriend didn’t let her drink because she gets “too wild.” That one’s free, but seriously, what are you doing still reading this article?) Anyway… It’s four points for a passing touchdown, not six. “Duhhhhh, but they get six points in real life!” They sure do. But once again, this is fantasy, not real life. Need a reminder? Just look down. That isn’t magical GM powder sprinkled on your shirt; it’s Cheeto dust. If passing touchdowns were worth the same amount as rushing and receiving touchdowns, then scoring-wise it would make Calvin Johnson and Larry Fitzgerald’s impressive league-leading 12 touchdown seasons last year as good as Gus Frerotte’s year and actually one shy of tying JaMarcus Russell’s masterful season. (Exactly.) After that, the only scoring topic worth discussing is the infamous Point-Per-Reception (PPR) category. And to be honest, I could go either way because both sides have valid arguments. Some people go zero points per reception and go heavy on yardage points, and some people go full point per reception and scale back the yardage. Still others do a combination with only a half-point per reception. It doesn’t matter which one you choose, as long as you don’t go heavy on receptions AND yardage. The WR’s become god-like and too valuable (much like the QB’s in a 6-point per passing touchdown league). You decide; I go for PPR. After that, the basic scoring lays out as follows:
Ø 25 passing yards = 1 point.
Ø 1 passing touchdown = 4 points.
Ø 10 rushing yards = 1 point.
Ø 1 rushing touchdown = 6 points.
Ø 10 receiving yards = 1 point. (unless it’s a PPR, of course)
Ø 1 receiving touchdown = 6 points.
However, since this is your league after all, I’m going to leave the quirky scoring to you. Favor precision over gunslinging? Make interceptions 2 points. Prefer the “Steel Curtain” to the “Greatest Show on Turf”? Mix it up with the defensive scoring. Still haunted from watching Tiki Barber as a little kid? Make fumbles 3 points, who cares? It’s up to you. And as for kicking points…well honestly, who gives a crap? If their owners, coaches, and families don’t care about them, then I’m not going start. Oh and one last thing; go for partial points. Who are you to round down? A 103.6 to 103.5 match-up is a win and loss not a 103-103 tie. Take off your crown. If decimals are good enough for the NFL, they’re good enough for your league
Naming Your Team
Now this is an important one. It’s got to be good. That’s all I can say. Don’t be lame about it. Have some fun with it. This is the name that’s going to be proudly emblazoned on your league’s trophy case for years – so make it good. Referencing a TV show or movie line is certainly allowable and highly encouraged. [Note: If this is the direction you choose to go in, you should know that for some reason - far beyond my understanding - there is an inverse relationship between these two categories. When referencing a TV show, the further back in the 90s you go, the better. However, when referencing a movie, the more current the movie, the funnier it is. Go ahead. Think about it. I don't know why either.] A clever play on words, combining a person’s name with something football related is acceptable, depending on how clever it is of course. You could also go with something out of your childhood, say your championship little league team or high school football team name for example. It may not be that funny or appreciated, but it’s definitely respectable. Lastly, something current event-related is definitely a good way to go; more current = more funny. To help get you going, here are the names of a few teams I was the proud owner of at some point in my life: The Bayside Tigers, The Lexington Steelers, The Cocksmen (it was right after Wedding Crashers came out; see, not funny now), and The Natalee Holloway Search and Rescue Squad (okay…not too “proud” of that one).
Although for every good team name, there are at least two awful ones. So please, for the sake of your league, steer clear of these topics…
League Members

Alright, so now that you’ve formatted this masterful league and found that perfect team name, perhaps ‘Shrute Farms,’ or one of a slew of references from The Hangover in hundreds of leagues, “Alan’s Wolfpack” (if you haven’t seen it yet, you should), it’s time to figure out who you’re going to invite to join your league. “Duhhh, my bestest friends of course!” No. Don’t be a loser. I’m sure your friends are great, but there’s a specific criteria for what kind of members a league must have in order to be successful. You see the right fantasy football league is like a young child. It has to be nurtured and taken care of. You can’t just lock it in a basement for 20 years and hope it comes out all right – just ask my Cousin Joe how well that worked out for him. So below is the collection of members each league must have:
So there you have it, a five-page article on running the perfect fantasy football league. I hope you enjoyed yourself and possibly learned a thing or two. As for me, well I just wrote a five-page article on running the perfect fantasy football league, so I’m going to go look up when the next Star Trek convention is in town and then throw myself out my window. Happy fantasizing.
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Dave Silverstein graduated from Emory University. He’s a comedian, writer and obviously an avid sports fan. He loves his teams much like a bad father loves his children: the Packers are his do-no-wrong prodigal son; the Mets are the chronically disappointing son who never misses a chance or opportunity to cause him pain and misery; and the Rangers are that distant artsy middle-child who hangs out in his room all day and is secretly rehearsing for the school play while dear old dad makes sure to be there on opening night (aka – the playoffs).
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