Since the LA Times might actually take tomorrow off from having a front page article on Michael Jackson, I figured we should pick up the slack.  I’ll pussy-foot around the should-we should we-not be spending as much time on MJ question that not only has the blogosphere pumping but also the major papers/television/websites still falling all over themselves.  However, I do want to remind everyone that TMZ broke the story–just saying.

What I will get into is a salute to the King of Pop by dedicating five songs to the most worthy athletes.*

“Beat It” (Thriller) 1982

Any song with Van Halen has to be near the top.  You could argue all day if it’s No. 1 or No. 4 and it wouldn’t make a bit of difference.  What you can’t argue with a pop-rock singer performing a rendition of the Sharks-Jets snapping battle (except MJ saves the day in this one, oh if he only could have stopped Tony from stabbing Bernardo…one second I have to check my manhood).  Only MJ could have made you think for a second about buy a red leather jacket, just one second.

Got to dedicate this one to old man Brett Favre.  The easy reason is that most Jets fans are singing this song as they wait in line to buy Sanchez jerseys and a side of “one year’s broken heart due to over expectations.”  On a deeper level–Jets fans you don’t have to come down here with me, we know you’re not comfortable–Favre epitomizes exactly what the song talks of:  strong headed bad asses not bending or bowing for anything.  We just need to get Brett a white jacket and valuer shirt and he can play the lead in the remake of the music video.  Let the “God please send MJ back just to stop Favre from playing in Minnesota,” prayers start.

“Man in the Mirror” (Bad) 1988

Because 21 years later college students are still getting drunk and high (that’s dryh for you urban dictionaryites) looking in the mirror popping his collar and singing to himself in the mirror.  Next time you look in a mirror you will remember this song–just trust me, you will.  Is there a better way to keep people from remembering your song than providing a narcissistic country with a reason to sing to themselves?  I can’t think of one.

I want to send this one out to King LeBron James.  On his next trip to NYC there is a slight chance he is drugged and finds himself tied to a chair listening to Moustache D’Antonio singing to him “..I’m asking you to change your ways. And no message could be any clearer: if you win a championship take a look at your self and change teams.”  LBJ also needs to check himself out in the mirror:  Gets shut out of dream NBA Finals against Kobe, can’t convince neither Ariza nor Artest to play with him–both who signed for reasonable contracts–and then gets Nike associates to confiscate video evidence of him getting posterized by Xavier’s Jordan Crawford. Ouch.  Any chance Lebron pulls a Sarah Palin and skips his lame duck seasons?

“Bad” (Bad) 1987

Anyone under the age of 39 can remember skating to this song at the roller rink.  Remember, skating in circles, always being able to keep an eye that the hot chick whose dad forgot to not let her out of the house looking like that.  Then Bad came on and you could finally pretend to be a bad ass, until an older kid knocks you over and reminds you “you’re still on skates [insert adjective questioning sexual orientation]“.

Shout out to Manny Ramirez on this one.  How bad is Manny?  He’s so bad that he can come flaunt the rules when he knows people are watching, take the hit, pay the price and everyone still loves him.  He’s like Tony Montana with a baseball bat.  I’m not saying it’s the best thing in the world, but it is definitely a bad ass play.  It helps matters when half the media that would be flaunting his return on front pages, have bigger stories to bust, like MJ dying.  He even has people making excuse for him “Manny being Manny;” now that’s bad ass.

“Thriller” (Thriller) 1984

If you didn’t at least try to do the Thriller dance to impress a girl, you must have gone to an all boys school in the fields of North Dakota.  The dance might live on longer than the song at the rate people copy it and considering the 20,000 people who rehearsed it outside his Star in Hollywood. (Hey its a recession, if you got nothing better to do you might as well sit around a star all day. At least the dancing is helping people lose weight. Yes We Can solve at least one problem this year!)

You don’t know it, you probably won’t know for  a year, but USC freshman Running back Curtis McNeal will be a Thriller.  He reminds me of Mike Hart with speed.  His midget status is only part of  the comparison package.  He doesn’t go down easy, and he hits the hole with acceleration.  His speed is will set him apart.  He might not play much because he’s about 6th in the depth chart, but when he gets the ball in the next four year, he will be a thriller to watch.

“Black or White” (Dangerous) 1991

Come on you didn’t think I would have any songs from the 90s did you.  You have to wonder if MJ was looking at that man in the mirror when he wrote this song.  Ok, ok I jest.  Like all his hits “Black or White” had a profound message.  The video also allowed us puny white boys to have the balls to dress like Macaulay Culkin (see 4:45 of this video if you don’t remember).

Is it too easy to dedicate this one to the Indiana Pacers?  Is it toon soon?  They can officially run a white wash!  Even their back up center (Hibbert) plays like a white stiff.  What are the odds five white dudes end up on the same team outside of Indiana? 17 million-t0-1?  It’s good to see minorities bonding together on the same team.  Will this be the Pacers theam song?  Any chance they trade for JJ Redick and Steve Blake?  Can we pencil Luke Harangody on their 2010 draft card yet?

These were just five of what could have easily been a top 20 list of MJ’s hit songs.  I know you will take offense, and mutter to yourself, “I can’t believe he left off _____”.  Everyone loves weighing in on Michael, I should know, I’ve read at least 30 articles a day about him since his death.  So feel free to remind us which is your favorite MJ song.

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Kevin Patra lives by the adage: Those who can’t do, write.  Currently, he is a grad student at the University of Southern California studying Online Journalism, after spending four years at the University of Michigan obtaining a bachelors degree from the school of Language, Science & Fun. Patra considers using the troughs at Joe Louis Arena as one of the most traumatic experience of his childhood.

*I apologize to all the “Why does everyone forget his trial and baby incedents” protesters.  I just couldn’t come up with a list of top 5 “World famous singers who were found not guilty of molesting young boys.”  I’ll work on it.

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