The NFL regular season is under way and it kicked off with a thriller, well at least an overtime game, between the 2009 Champion Pittsburgh Steelers and Titans from Tennessee. Last season gave us a Hall of Fame great showing his briefs at halftime, a future Hall of Famer going down in week one and Santonio Holmes tip-toeing the Steelers to another Super Bowl victory.

The offseason has been wild.  Favre retired, thought about coming back, decided against it, then realized he really really really hates home life and eventually signed with the Minnesota Vikings.  Michael Vick got out of jail after 19 months and eventually ended up with the Philadelphia Eagles, which led animal activist and Vick-haters, PETA, to vow to never protect another eagle, regardless of the fact that they are going extinct.  Super Bowl winning quarterback Rothlisberger was accused of sexual assault a year after the alleged incident took place, but the charge was later dropped.  Dante Stallworth pleaded guilty to a DUI manslaughter and spent less time in jail than a jaywalker. Plaxico Burress shot himself, then went to jail for it.  And the Lions decided that Matthew Stafford needed a few concussions this year so they selected him as their starting quarterback.

I’m sure we missed something, but let’s get on to the fun stuff.  We’ve already previewed each division and the AFC, but now we get to see Kevin Patra and J.David’s real positions on the upcoming NFL season, NFC style.

NFC North:

KEVIN PATRA: I will be transparent: At some point this weekend I will be wearing my Barry Sanders’ jersey.  If I find out someone is going to Vegas in the next two days I will have them put money on the Lions to win the Super Bowl–yes I realize I would be better off shoving it down a stripper’s thong, but that is not the point.  And I will watch/listen to every Detroit game this season.  Those are just the facts of being a sports fan.

But I fully expect my Lions to go 4-12, show brief flashes of what could be in two years–even though it’s likely by then either Matthew Stafford or Calvin Johnson will either be hospitalized or on another team–and their defense to give it up more than the hooker who worked outside my old residence.

Beyond the Lions, the NFC North race could be entertaining.  The networks will shove Brett Favre down our throats so much we will revel every time he gets leveled by a defensive lineman (thank god John Madden retired, that manlove would have been too much).  But the truth to the Vikings success will be more the threat of Favre than his aging rocket arm.  His presence alone will keep defenses from entirely keying on Adrian Peterson and the running game as they did last season.  If all Favre has to do is complete slant routes on 3rd-and-shorts all season the Vikings will win the North.

But don’t count our Green Bay, they upgraded their defense with rookies B.J. Raji and Clay Matthews, while quarterback Aaron Rodgers has more than made up for Farve’s transfer to the dark side.  And Chicago’s offense and defense are starting to meet in the middle, as upgrades on offense with Jay Cutler and the experience of Matt Forte have improved that side of the ball, while the defense ages and is far from its “good luck scoring on us” ways of several years ago.

Everyone will be captivated by the Green Bay-Minnesota games, which would have been entertaining without No. 4’s signing to the purple squad, but you might want to watch it with the volume muted.

Best Rookie: Matthew Stafford (he better F’n be…go ahead J.D. call me a homer)

Best Fantasy Player: Adrian Peterson (the one on the Vikings, not the Bears)

Kevin Patra’s Division winner: Minnesota Vikings

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J.DAVID’S REBUTTAL: “Homer!  There, I said it.

In an effort to be fully transparent and blah blah blah, I haven’t taken off my Joey Harrington jersey since the Lions wasted their draft pick on that-Matthew-Stafford-guy.  Actually, I just took a crayon and crossed out “Harrington” and wrote “Stafford” over top because there won’t be a lick of difference between the two: high expectations, low output and a brain so deeply battered he now sounds like Keanu Reeves in Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure.

For your sake, Stafford, I hope the NFL finally learns how to take care of their former players because you are destined for a life of aches and pains as much as Patra is destined for a life of herpes and a burning sensation whenever he pees.

On a brighter note, last year at the beginning of the season I put on those lucky Lions tighty-whiteys and vowed not to change them until the Lions won that first game, and well, I am starting to chafe.  Prediction:  Lions. Win. Week. One. and who cares after that.  Wait, after further review, change that to “Week 11.”

And since I believe in the Favre Curse—you might be asking: “What is the Favre Curse?” Figure it out yourself but realize that the word “curse” is never a good thing unless your J.David who has been cursed with great looks—the Packers, Jets and now the Vikings will experience total meltdown.  That just leaves DA-Bears to take the NFC Norris, and that they will behind the strong arm and low blood sugar of their new QB, Jay Cutler.   After all, that is why they stole him from Denver.

Best Rookie: B.J. Raji

Best Fantasy Player: Ryan Longwell

J.DAVID’s Division winner: Minnesota Vikings

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NFC South

J.DAVID: The Atlanta Falcons and the New Orleans Saints will battle it out for the top spot in the south this season, leaving the Carolina Panthers wishing they could return to the glory days of … well, last year.

The Falcons have a plethora of tools for second year quarterback, Matt Ryan, in guys like Michael Jenkins, Roddy White, Tony Gonzalez and Michael Turner, but watch out for something as inevitable as the freshman fifteen; the sophomore slump.  Ryan wow’d everyone last year by his accurate passing and his leadership on the field during the whole Michael Vick fiasco, but this year his expectations have changed.  Even with all the weapons surrounding him look for him to have an average year.

The Saints were disappointing last year.  They were injured.  They couldn’t stop, well, anything.  So what did they do?  Drafted Malcolm Jenkins the shut down corner from Ohio State University.  He will be better sooner rather than later and will cut the field in half for the Saints.

The return of Reggie Bush and Jeremy Shockey will make Drew Brees’ life bearable once again and with the addition of Heath Evans, the running game will open up and passing game will have added protection.

Now, if only the Saints can stay healthy.

Best Rookie: Malcolm Jenkins

Best Fantasy Player: Steve Smith

J.DAVID’s Division winner: New Orleans Saints

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KEVIN PATRA’S REBUTTAL: No Whammies. No Whammies. No Whammies. No whammies. Stop! Congratulations, you’ve won a trip to the playoffs here on “Press Your Luck.”

The only “Whammy” in the AFC South is Tampa Bay.  The Buccaneers will struggle to live up to their past decade’s success.  They won’t revert to “Orange Jersey Tampa Bad,” but with a new coordinator and shuffling quarterback situation along with a defense influx even Kellen Winslow being a “[editor's cut] soldier” won’t help them.

I want to take the Falcon’s just to disagree with you.  With the progression of Matt Ryan, the addition of Tony Gonzalez, and upgrades and defense the Falcon’s could improve upon their surprising 2008 campaign.

However, since last week I wrote that the Saints would take the division on the back of Brees, an improved running game, and upgraded defense I won’t flip-flop.   I know there are avid readers who would rag pick my selections, so I will relent and follow your lead, which followed my lead of a week ago, and select the Saints.

Best Rookie: Peria Jerry

Best Fantasy Player: Drew Brees

Patra’s Division winner: New Orleans Saints

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NFC East

KEVIN PATRA: Quite possibly the best division in the NFL, the NFC East could have four teams make the playoffs… if this were hockey.

I hope Dallas fans enjoy their new billion-dollar stadium over the next three months, because after Jan. 3, the stadium will be closed for pro football.  The loss of TO will be bigger on the field than most are saying.  The truth is that “addition by subtraction” only works when the loss isn’t the biggest part of your offense.  The truth is that TO distracted not only teammates, but also opposing defenses opening up the middle for Jason Witten and lanes for running backs.  Roy Williams is not Owens, he is inconsistent and can be just as big a distraction when he want to be.  The defense didn’t get better to make up for the downgraded offense.  Plus Wade Phillips is still coaching, which just makes everyone outside of Dallas giggle.

The Eagles will take the division just to show PETA that it doesn’t pay to hate on former criminals for doing their job.  The Eagles are the most balanced team in the division now that the Giants lost their No. 1 receiver to a jail sentence and one of their better running backs, Derrick Ward, to Tampa Bay.  Eagles’ back-up running back LeSean McCoy should provide a spark when he spells Brian Westbrook and be a safety blanket when Westbrook has his inevitable in-season injury.  DeSean Jackson not only adds to the “capitalize the third letter in my first name” players on the Eagles, but also is a perfect fit for the West Cost offense with his play-making abilities after the catch.

Best Rookie: LeSean McCoy

Best Fantasy Player: Donovan McNabb

Patra’s Division winner: Philadelphia Eagles

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J.DAVID’S UPDATE & TOTAL FLIP-FLOP: I remove the Saints as my pick for the NFC South for two reasons: 1) Patra picked them and that is like the kiss of death, just ask Jenny Sampson – his one and only girlfriend he met while in the eighth grade who after their first and only kiss, which ended with Patra sending her to the dentist with a chipped tooth, a large piano fell on her head—literally the kiss of death.  2) Someone has to end this Sophomore Slump curse and it is going to be Matt Ryan.  It’s on you, my friend.  And while we are ending curses:  Dear Freshman Girl, hit the treadmill, push back from the table and reverse the curse.

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J.DAVID’S REBUTTAL: When Patra is right, one must take notice, but since when is Patra right?  The Cowboys will be better post T.O. temper tantrums, but does anyone in the known universe think that Wade Phillips will make it through another season under the watchful eye of Jerry Jones?  Not a chance, not a damn chance.

The Redskins will be improved but they still will bring up the rear.

The Eagles with McNabb and Vick will be exciting to watch and will win a bunch of games, but at the end of the day you still have one QB throwing up in the huddle and the other one who doesn’t have the arm to win the big game.

The New York Football Giants will win the east under the consistent maturity of Manning’s little brother and without the distraction of Plaxico Burress always shooting his mouth off and then eventually shooting his leg.

The defense of the boys in blue will lock down their opponents tighter than Judge Felicia Mennin locked down Burress (don’t worry, there will be one more coming).

The real question will remain if Domenik Hixson and the other Steve Smith can step up and fill Burress’ shoes, while Bubba, prisoner #37840274, will be stepping up and filling Burress’ …

Best Rookie: Macho Harris (Just really like his name!)

Best Fantasy Player: Jason Witten

J.DAVID’s Division winner: New York Giants

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NFC West

J.DAVID: Old man Kurt Warner will not finish the season for the Arizona Cardinals, but do not worry because he will be able to just stay in Arizona and retire (isn’t that what old people do?).  Never fear, oh Cardinal fan, Matt Leinart will lead you to the promise land … a first round exit out of the playoffs.

The Cardinals will rely on the strength of their receiving core to lead the team and the reality that no one in the NFC West can actually play defense.

The Niners are still a year away and a good quarterback.  The Seahawks are older, slower and still can’t play as a team.  And Kurt Warner no longer plays for the St. Louis Rams causing the once greatest show on turf to look more like a poor excuse for a turd.

Best Rookie: Michael Crabtree

Best Fantasy Player: Anquan Boldin

J.DAVID’s Division winner: Arizona Cardinals

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KEVIN PATRA’S REBUTTAL: The better line about old people is not about them retiring but, “That is what old people do, they die.” I also find it hilarious that you just said Warner will not make it though the season, and he is your starting fantasy quarterback.

You are so honest, it makes some religious persons heart warm somewhere.

Unfortunately that ain’t me, and while you might be an honest person, you are also wrong.  Check out this list of Super Bowl losers, the last decade or so hasn’t been nice to these teams, and the trend won’t change this season.  As you say, Warner will go down, and the defense will not be able to stop opposing offenses, leading to weekly shoot-outs that Leinart won’t be able to handle.

This is the ‘Niners’ division to lose.  They have the best defense in the division and will be able to milk the clock with Frank Gore and Glen Coffee.  This team will be like Baltimore Ravens-lite, as they rely on their defense, a strong running game and a game managing quarterback, Shaun Hill.  Not to mention that head coach Mike Singletary has had a full offseason to instill his team with the principals that made him a winner.  They also will sooner or later get play making wide receiver Michael Crabtree, which will be a commodity for this team not a necessity.

Best Rookie: Glenn Coffee

Best Fantasy Player: Larry Fitzgerald

Patra’s Division winner: San Francisco 49ers

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Now you are ready for the season.  Just to recap, here are the divisional links and the AFC link:

• AFC Picks
• AFC East
• AFC North
• AFC South
• AFC West
• NFC East
• NFC North
• NFC South
• NFC West

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Kevin Patra lives by the adage: Those who can’t do, teach, and those who can’t do or teach, write. Currently, he is a graduate student at the University of Southern California studying Online Journalism, after spending four years at the University of Michigan obtaining a bachelors degree from the school of Language, Science & Fun. Patra grew up watching the Honolulu Blue and Silver every weekend, so he is an expert on what football is not supposed to look like.

J.David has never won an award for his writing, but he is a former collegiate athlete for a small college where everyone makes the team. Currently, he is a grad student at the University of Southern California studying the archaic form called, Print Journalism. J.David points to watching Barry Sanders catlike moves as the birth of his love for the NFL, and LT’s hit on Joe Theisman as the last day he ever wanted to play quarterback.

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