In order to help sports fans navigate through the ever spinning PR machine, J.David gives his round-up of the weekly sports headlines. He removes the bull and reads in between the lines to the uncover the real story and the real meaning of these top stories.

BOXING

Mike Tyson Detained at LAX After Altercation with Photographer

The Los Angeles Times article said, “Both men wanted to press battery charges against each other, so police placed both under arrest.  The photographer was taken to a nearby hospital with injuries to his face.”  Dude, he is lucky to be walking.  If you mess with Tyson then most likely you are going to get your ass whooped, or at least, lose an ear.  What really happened was:

Paparazzo: Hey, Iron Mike.  Let me get your picture.

Tyson: [in high-pitched squeaky voice] Sure man, just get me from this side so you can see my face tattoo.

Paparazzo: [snap, snap, snap]

Tyson: I SAID FROM THIS ANGLE!  [punch]

Paparazzo: What the hell just hit me and why am I laying on the ground?

COLLEGE FOOTBALL

Georgia Tech Closing in on ACC Championship Game

This is like your child winning the “Ugliest Kid Contest.”  She still won the contest but what does it really mean?  The ACC is so bad that playing in the championship game just means you are not as bad as the other inept teams in the conference.  The winner of the ACC would get its ass whooped, like a skinny kid on the playground, if they played the top teams of non-BCS conferences and would probably be humiliated by the last place teams of the BCS conferences.

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Michigan AD Bill Martin Asks for Patience, Supports Coach Rich Rodriguez

I just want everyone to know where this is coming from.  Martin listen to The Pump Fake from The Sports Union and heard the segment in which Kevin Patra ranted about Rich-Rod and called for his job or, at the very least, his first born.

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Notre Dame Associate Head Coach Corwin Brown Criticizes Navy for Dirty Play

I think Navy’s Associate Head Coach — if they even have one — had the correct response to this accusation: “Navy’s Associate Head Coach Criticized Notre Dame for Its Shitty Football Team.”  As I think about this, what does an Associate Head Coach at Notre Dame do?  My only guess is to keep Charlie Weis fat face fed!

In Related News: Weis Says He’s Maintaining ‘Tunnel Vision’ – And I bet it is something like . . . FOOD, FOOD, FOOD!!!

NBA BASKETBALL

Knicks Turning 2010 Attention to Chris Bosh and Joe Johnson

This headline is really saying two things: 1) at 1-8 the Knick management, fans, players and even Spike Lee is calling it a season and looking forward to next year, 2) LeBron James isn’t going to be a Knick.  He might not be in Cleveland, but he isn’t going to be a Knick either.

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NBA Spokesman Said the Referee Got the Call Right in the Denver Nuggets’ Win Over the Chicago Bulls

This is more an observation on my part . . . Is the reffing that bad that it is necessary for the headlines to shout, “Hooray! They Did Their Job!”? Or is this just a subtle jab at MLB for the god-awful job the umps did in the playoffs? Or maybe the headline should have read: “NBA Refs Get Call Right – Obviously, None Had Money on This Game.”

MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL

Red Sox want Yankees’ Hideki Matsui?

This spells, “VINDICATION” for the Red Sox fans as they have seen so many times the boys from Boston defecting to New York.  This would be a “right back at you” type move by Theo Epstein to the newly crowned champions of the baseball world.  Plus, you can never have too many guys on your team that can’t speak English.  As an added bonus, the translator you pay for Daisuke Matsuzaka and Hideki Okajima would be able to translate also for Matsui.  In these tough economical times, a three-for-one deal would be ideal.

NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE

Brady Quinn of Cleveland Browns Gets Second Shot, Will Start at Quarterback Monday

Quinn did get another chance, but Cleveland is still Cleveland — well, except they traded away Quinn’s best option in Braylon Edwards.  Hmmmm, is this really a second shot or just another chance to be the Joey Harrington of Cleveland.  If Quinn is smart, he would find LeBron’s skinny mouthy friend and give him the Edwards’ slap. Hopefully, he would then be shipped off to a contender.

In Related News: No one will be watching the Monday Night Football.

NATIONAL HOCKEY LEAGUE

NHL’s General Managers to Study Making Blindside Hits Illegal

First things first, how are the GM’s going to “study” making blindside hits illegal?  Are they going to put on the skates and have one of their goons blast away at them?  I think not.  And I think this headline should be rewritten to communicate what this really is about: “NHL’s General Managers Want to Eliminate Blindside Hits and Complete the Pussification of Hockey.”

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J.David has never won an award for his writing, but he is a former collegiate athlete for a small college where everyone makes the team.  Currently, he is a grad student at the University of Southern California studying the archaic form called, Print Journalism. J.David is currently taking a Sports PR class to find out how those dirty bastard work, and now he is passing that information on to you, the fan.  If you would like to help pay for his class it is only $4762.

More from The Sports Union

• HUMP DAY: Tip-Off to College Basketball
• PODCAST: The Pump Fake (November 10, 2009)
• Football Headlines from around the Sporting World