Christmas carols make me want to slit my throat.  Better yet, punch someone in the back of the head!  Yep, just walk up to some random dude (obviously, he would be the size of Kevin Patra so I know I could whip his ass) and just bitch slap him across the back of the head.  It is the same feeling I get when I see a sweater vest or watch Michigan lose to Ohio Suck … again.

Well, to honor my misery once again during this season – in which the freakin’ Wolverines are home practicing (maybe that is why they log so many hours?) – I have decided to make up my own “12 Days of Christmas” carol, for the things I want for my All Things Michigan Sports X-mas – after all, I am a huge Michigan Wolverine, Detroit Tigers, Detroit Lions, Detroit Red Wings, Detroit Pistons and what the hell, even a Detroit Shock fan too – WTF? They moved to Oklahoma?  I don’t like women’s basketball anyway.

And since this song drags on for what seems to be an eternity, I will continue in that same vein and post one verse every hour.  So, check back every hour … or seriously, you can just check back tomorrow, dumb ass.

* * * * * *

On the twelfth day of my All Things Michigan X-mas, my true love . . . wait, wait, wait . . . redo . . . On the twelfth day of my All Things Michigan X-mas the sporting gods gave to me:

A 12^th Man Sitting in Michigan Stadium.

Seriously, for 107,501 fans they cram into that 1927 wreck of a stadium you think it would be the most imposing place on the face of the earth.  However, the design – and I know that it is supposed to be better now – allows the noise to escape the building without any redirect toward the ear holes of the opposing players, but the Big House sounds more like a Church House most Saturday afternoons – and not one of the charismatic places, more like one of those Baaaaaptist congregations.

Note to UofM: Get some of those prized engineering students to come up with a design that will shoot 127.2 decibels into the face of anyone who walks out of the opposing team’s locker room.

Note to Rich Rodriguez: Give those fans something to cheer about.

* * * * * *

On the eleventh day of my All Things Michigan X-mas the sporting gods gave to me:

Eleven More Stanley Cups.

Spoiled. Yes.  Wanting more?  ALWAYS!  The Red Wings have started off slow but they always finish strong and then somehow fizzle out in the finals.  Don’t ask me why, but it’s true.  Detroit is Hockeytown and Joe Louis is the jankiest place you could ever see a hockey game … it is also the best place!  But come prepared to get cheap beer spilled on you, pee in a trough next to some white trash dude from South Detroit and see some of the sexiest women in D-town.

Note to Ilitch: You are doing an amazing job with the Wings and Tigers.  Any interest in making the Lions something people talk about for something other than how shitty they are?  Just checking.

* * * * * *

On the tenth day of my All Things Michigan X-mas the sporting gods gave to me:

A #10 on the Pistons for old-time sake.

I admit that Dennis Rodman was my all-time favorite Piston.  Dude, was a beast.  Went nuts – as defined by boring people on the outside looking in.  But that guy had passion.  I wish I had a pinky-worth of the passion that guy played with on the court and how he felt about the organization and his teammates.  They do not have all-stars like him in the NBA anymore, or probably any professional sport.  The guy who shouldn’t have been an all-star but because he worked harder than anyone else he achieved more.  That is what all teams need and that is what made the Pistons so special during the Bad Boys era.

Note to all the Pistons: Don’t stick your tongue out and try to emulate Jordan.  Watched how Rodman played in Detroit, and make it your goal to be half as good as he was and people will talk about how Detroit is back in the hunt for Championships!

* * * * * *

On the ninth day of my All Things Michigan X-mas the sporting gods gave to me:

A Nine Inning starter.

OK. Gone are the days of the nine inning pitcher, but why can’t the Tigers have a pitcher that doesn’t spend a significant time on the disabled list.  So, what I am trying to say is that I would take a starter that can go for the whole season from start to finish.  Oh yeah, he must give quality starts also … is this too much to ask?

Note to the Tigers: Finish the season.  You have made some great off-season moves with the Granderson trade, now finish the season.  When you went to the World Series in 2006, you made a living on crushing the cellar-dwellers.  Stop losing to Kansas City, Cleveland and Oakland.

* * * * * *

On the eighth day of my All Things Michigan X-mas the sporting gods gave to me:

A new center fielder. (come on people, it is position 8 on the scorecard)

We just talked about the Granderson trade that was good for the Tigers in so many ways including getting some pitching help.  Now, there is a small to gaping whole in the large outfield of Comerica Park.  Austin Jackson was a good pick-up but he is going to need time to develop.  Also, Granderson was good, but he wasn’t a perfect center fielder.  He had great speed in the outfield but misplayed balls a time or two.  Speed is a must and defensive awareness and ability are monumental.  Granderson, for as good as he was at the plate, struck out way to much and was unable to work the count to get free passes to the base path.  Homerun power is nice, but do you need it with your lead-off hitter?

Note to the Tigers: Why not sign a Rick Ankiel to buy time before passing the torch to Jackson?  Plus, Ankiel is just a great story even with the roids.

* * * * * *

On the seventh day of my All Things Michigan X-mas the sporting gods gave to me:

Back the seven years of hell with Matt Millen. (I gave him a one-year honeymoon period)

Why anyone would hire this dude to do anything with football other then maybe being THE kicking tee, I have no idea.  For eight years this “mastermind” drove the Detroit Lions organization down into the depths of the abyss without regard for anything of substance.  Every year I wanted to throw the TV throw the wall when you picked flash over substance.  You are awful.

Note to the Fords: Give up control!

* * * * * *

On the sixth day of my All Things Michigan X-mas the sporting gods gave to me:

Six great protectors for Matthew Stafford.

Yes, just imagine what it would be like to have Stafford back in a correctly formed pocket and able to scan down the field for Calvin Johnson.  That is what I want: a center, two guards, two tackles, and a blocking tight end who can also run routes.  Is that too much to ask?

Note to the Fords: Give up control!

* * * * * *

On the fifth day of my All Things Michigan X-mas the sporting gods gave to me:

Another Fab-5

Without the recruiting violations.  Hell, I will take the recruiting violations as long as they don’t get caught.  I don’t think there will ever be another recruiting class like Chris Webber, Jalen Rose, Jimmy King, Ray Jackson and Juwan Howard.  And how bout, Howard still getting it done in the NBA for Portland while Webber and Rose are sucking off the teat of ESPN/TNT networks.  What happened to King and Jackson?  My guess is King owns a chain of burger joints and Jackson owns a car dealership.  Sounds about right!

Note to the John Beilein: Keep up the excellent work and keep recruiting to find that Kevin Pittsnogle / Joe Alexander-type guy that will dominate in the Big-10.  And on a sidenote – let’s hope you were right about Rodriguez.

* * * * * *

On the fourth day of my All Things Michigan X-mas the sporting gods gave to me:

A trip to the Final Four

Beilien has the boys starting to play his type of ball … uh, Beilien Ball!  Every time I watch they are always competing which is more than I can say for the teams of that “Grades-Before-Hoops” Duke guy that use to coach the Wolverines.  Love the “Keep Shooting the 3″ mentality that permeates through the ball club.  Exciting to watch.

Note to the Administration: Get this guy the facilities he needs to build another top notch team at the University.  The Crisler Arena is a dump and isn’t equip with the bells and whistles to compete with the other great programs in the state.  If you build it, they will come.

* * * * * *

On the third day of my All Things Michigan X-mas the sporting gods gave to me:

A year three turnaround for Rodriguez

Honestly, Lloyd Carr left the cupboards bare, and then to have a complete change in the offensive philosophy … well, that simply spells disaster.  Baby steps, baby steps.  That is what we have seen the last couple years, but a year three turnaround is not out of the question … actually, it should be expected.  Rodriguez, you only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow …

Note to the Patra: I know you were calling for his head this past year you impatient prick.  You just wait and see.  Year 3 = BCS Bowl w/ a victory over the Buckeyes.  MARK IT DOWN!

* * * * * *

On the second day of my All Things Michigan X-mas the sporting gods gave to me:

Two Hot Coeds Dancing

Do I really need to explain this?

Note to the Michigan State Spartan Fans: There is a story of you guys throwing dollar bills at the opposing team’s cheerleaders … priceless!

* * * * * *

On the first day of my All Things Michigan X-mas the sporting gods gave to me:

One Chauncey Back

The Pistons miss #1.  I miss #1.  They freed up cap space but didn’t get considerably better.  Don’t say for a second that they are in the LeBron hunt because, unfortunately, that guy is staying put in Cleveland.  He ain’t going nowhere!  The leadership is gone from the team, not to mention their heart.  The collapse last year was a direct result of that missing piece.  Joe Dumars has everyone’s complete trust, minus the Darko debacle, and we are waiting to see what will come about through this trade.

Note to the Dwayne Wade: Sorry we past on you when you came out of college, but would you like to play for us now?  You can have Rip’s number!

* * * * * *

Thank God this F*cking song is over!  I was about to punch somebody.

*****************************************************************************************************

J.David has never won an award for his writing, but he is a former collegiate athlete for a small college where everyone makes the team.Currently, he is a grad student at the University of Southern California studying the archaic form called, Print Journalism. J.David points to Flutie’s Hail Mary as the birth of his love for college football, and Lloyd Carr’s tenure at Michigan as the beginning of his love of strong drink.

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