Since President Barack Obama gave his first State of the Union address last week, we thought it would only be proper that look at the State of the Sports Union. No we don’t mean a rehash of what your two lowly graduate students are up to–as poor as ever and as time pressed as ever (gee, that was quick)–but a rundown on the state of the major sports.

NFL

Americans new favorite past time has some trouble off the field in the past year, but between the lines it has excelled. The Pittsburgh Steelers captured the 2009 Super Bowl thanks to a rumbling bumbling 100-yard  interception return by James Harrison (even if replays showed he only got 99.8 yards) and one of the best toe-tap catches in Super Bowl history by Santonio Holmes.

Super Bowl XLIII turned out to be the final one for certain to be Hall of Famer Kurt Warner as last week he announced his retirement. Warner’s story are what Walt Disney writers dream of coming from grocery stock-boy to Super Bowl MVP. Waner also leaves with the top three passing yard totals in Super Bowl history. His gritty and classy play were only matched by his quick release.

The 2009 regular season gave us some of the most dramatic and unexpected outcomes of the year in sports. One of the most unexpected was the Detroit-Cleveland matchup, which looked like a puke-fest on paper, but turned out to be a highly entertaining game, in which rookie quarterback Matthew Stafford validated his hefty rookie contract.

Other interesting story lines streamed their way throughout the season as well. From the Colts giving up on a perfect season, to the Saints’ Cinderella ride, to the Jets constantly shooting themselves in the foot only to be granted a playoff miracle while other teams rested players, to Brett Favre’s supurb season in Minnesota cutting into Adrian Peterson’s production.

The Cincinnati Bengals epitomized the NFL struggle as it suffered off-the-field heartbreaks while piecing together one of the best seasons in franchise history. First came the death of defensive coordinator Mike Zimmer’s wife. Then the tragic death of wide receiver Chris Henry stunned the league and lead to the publicizing of the ever eloquent Chad Ochocinco’s “85 plus 15 equals 100 ways to be great.  Henry epitomized the struggle of a franchise, as he finally seemed to be getting his troubled life in line, an accident brought him to death.

In the next two months the NFL will be dealing with one of the most important negotiations in league history. The owners have voided the current collective bargaining agreement and if they don’t come to terms by mid March, there will be an uncapped 2010 season, and would almost assuredly lead to a lockout in 2011.

MLB

The former American past time had what for the league office could only be considered a successful season on the field. Its most lucrative franchise opened its new stadium and bought…errrrr….won the World Series (does the league care about anything else?). Meanwhile the little brother Mets took a new stadium and a huge payroll and flushed it down the toilet–they really should stop getting advice from Wall Street.

The unrelenting small-ball sqaud from Minnesota fought its way from 10 games back and out-dueled the bumbling Detroit Tigers for the AL Central division title, reminding Twins fans how much they are going to miss all-world catcher Joe Mauer when he gets bought by a bigger market.

In the NL the Philadelphia Phillies suffered no championship hangover. Well that isn’t all true. It turns out that trade-deadline accusation Cliff Lee was the hair of the dogs back for the Philles who rode a pitching wave back to the World Series.

Meanwhile in L.A. the Dodgers overcame a 50 game suspension to Manny Ramirez who was caught using pills to enlarge his breasts and won the West Division. In true Dodger fashion however they slapped themselves in the playoffs which average pitching and an inablitlity to hit left-handed pitchers.

Off the field Ramirez’s steroids scandal wasn’t the only one. Alex Rodriguez dressed in his best little-boy-blue sweater and admitted to Peter Gammons that he used steroids. Rodriguez then led his team to the World Series title; talk about monkey off your back. Then was Mark McGwire admitting he used steroids, which was like your parents telling you they have sex–I mean, duhhh, and slightly grotesque.

Let’s just say this about anyone left in baseball who hasn’t admitting to doing steroids, as Jack Bauer would say: Do it now! Don’t wait for the water to get cold to jump in, if you do your balls will shrink even more than when you were on ‘roids. Oh, and probably stop using.

NBA

Kobe Bryant finally won a championship without Shaq. Although he did need another big man, Pau Gasol, to do it. Kobe has played hurt for the better part of two seasons but has shown his resilience–read stubbornness– not sitting out just because of a dislocated finger.

On the flip-slide of Bryant’s triumph over the Orlando Magic was the world losing out on what would have been the greatest one-on-one matchup in team sports, as the LeBron-Kobe matchup never came to playoff fruition. Although, it has led to LeBron having one of the best statistical seasons in the history of the NBA and he again leads a bunch of mid-level talented players to the top of the East. If Shaq can do the only thing he was really brought to Cleveland to do–slow down Dwight Howard in the playoffs–the Cleveland could have its first championship since the Red Scare.

The biggest off court issue for the NBA is the recent Gilbert Arenas guns-in-the-locker-room scandal. If there is one person in the world you don’t f with it is David Stern. Arenas’ mocking of the situation in a pre-game huddle only infuriated the Sith Lord who recently suspended Arenas and Javaris Crittenton for the remainder of the season. For Agent Zero his days seem to be over in Washington, but who wants to pay a player who has played 20 games in the past two years $20 million? Where is Daniel Snyder when you need him?

No doubt the NBA brass is again crossing their fingers in hopes of a Kobe-LeBron finals matchup. Lets just hope they don’t sink to the Tim Donaghy level of cheating.

NHL

I know, I know, I shouldn’t consider hockey a “major” sport right? Wrong. The league hit the jackpot when golden-boy Sidney Crosby and his Pittsburgh Penguins (how many Penguins are their in Pittsburgh again?) came back in the Stanley Cup finals against the Detroit Red Wings.

Since Game 5 of the Stanley Cup Finals the Red Wings have been beaten up and injured and look so old and decrepit their was a rumor that they were going to change the name on the ice from Hockeytown to Cialistown. Currently the Wings are on the outside looking in on the playoffs. If that remains the same (who wants to be they make it and the team at the top having to play them in the first round pisses their pants?) it will be the first time since George H.W. Bush was in office that the Winged Wheel will not be in the playoff picture.

On the flip side Alex Ovechkin has become even more dominating that past seasons and is leading his Washington Capitals with 34 goals to the top spot in Eastern Conference. Ovechkin’s one mishap this season was allowing teammate Matt Bradley step in the middle of his fight with Tampa Bay’s Steve Dowie. If ever there was a thing as a hockey cock block I think that was it.

Over in the West the San Jose Sharks once again lead the pack, but unfortunately for Sharks fans, every time they have the upper hand in the playoffs they get harpooned by a streaking lower seed. With everyone and their mother making the hockey playoffs, and the final four spots separated by only seven points, its anyones guess who could try to be the Shark spoiler this season.

The NHL is again praying for a semifinal round pitting Ovechkin against Crosby that goes the distance, but Crosby comes out on top (do you know how much money they can make off his ugly, distorted face?). How much would the league jiz if the big market L.A. Kings could make the finals against Crosby? But who am I kidding, the Kings love to choke on their own sticks.

–check back later in the week for a look at the rest of the State of the Sports Union.

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