In order to help sports fans navigate through the ever spinning PR machine, J.David gives his round-up of the weekly sports headlines. He removes the bull and reads in between the lines to the real story and the real meaning of the top stories.
Mickelson treated for heat exhaustion, dehydration – sporting news
Another year, another fat and out-of-shape Phil Mickelson. How can you get heat exhaustion and dehydration from playing golf? Were you playing on the surface of the sun? Were you carrying your own golf bag? Were you wearing a parka? Seriously! Hey Phil, just head to the Senior Tour and take full advantage of the use of golf carts. And stop bitchin’ about the depth of the cup; lose some weight and you will be able to bend over and get your frickin’ ball instead of using a ball retriever.
Dickey Nutt hired at SE Missouri – associated press
And the journalism department at SE Missouri cheered uncontrollably. The same cheer the Daily Trojan staff belts during games against Oregon State (Trojans beat down Beavers, Trojans lost in Beavers Box and One, Beavers reject Trojans, Trojans crack against Tight Beavers Defense). SE Missouri begin working out the Dickey Nutt … headlines. Let me give you some to start, “Dickey Nutt Goes Off on Team at Halftime,” “Dickey Nutt Believes in Penetration,” and “Dickey Nutt has the Whole Package.” Congratulations to The Capaha Arrow, and have fun with this my fellow journalists.
Davidson Deserves Ticket to the Big Dance – sporting news
In this poor economy, nothing is free. So if Davidson pays the $49.99 they can come to the Big Dance just like everyone else! Note to the Wildcats: Pay the $116 for both sessions, it is a better use of funds.
North Carolina back on top of poll – fan house
Like we tell all good strippers that have fallen off the pole, “If you slip and fall, you have to get right back up on top of that poll and finish!”
Michigan St. player pleads in fight, is suspended – mlive.com
The Sports Union dug up the transcripts of the Michigan St. player’s plea during the fight. “Please stop punching me, and kicking me. I am crying. You made me cry. I tried to get into UofM, but I wasn’t good enough. I am sorry, I will try harder. Just please stop hurting me mom.”
Griz Somewhat Competitive v. Champs! – 3 shades of blue
Translation: The Champs still kicked our ass, but it was only by 10 and we figured it would be by 50. Reading between the lines though, the “champs” didn’t have their best players-Garnett and Rondo-and if they had their full-compliment of players, it would have been 50.
Al Jefferson’s Armpits Hurt – true hoop
This has “Pulitzer” written all over it for best Investigative Reporting. This whole time, I thought Jefferson was out for the season due to a knee injury, and now I find out it is just his armpits. How does one hurt his armpits? I remember when I first started using deodorant and it burned a little, but I just switched B.O. Juice. Oh yeah, and I was like 11. Hey Al, stop being a puss.
25 Things I Learned at MIT – true hoop
Evidently the one thing you didn’t learn at MIT is that when you lead with a statement that tells everyone you went to MIT, it just makes you sound like a pompous douche. Now you can change the headline to read: 25 Things I learned at MIT, and one thing I learned from The Sports Union.
Red Sox closer Papelbon compares Ramirez to cancer – open sports
In related news, Boston Red Sox Pitcher and cancer survivor, Jon Lester, refers to Ramirez as being like “Papelbon’s victory dance after the 2007 AL East celebration party.”
Ramirez responded to Papelbon, “Dude, you’re a douche.”
Vick’s former home fails to sell at auction – fox sports
How is this a shocker and isn’t there a prison overcrowding problem anyway? How can the state sell off the prison cells of celebrities and sports stars? With as many of them heading to the slammer, will there be any room left for the real menaces to society? Oh, you are talking about his old house, not his former residence …
Report: Substances found on Clemens materials – yahoo sports
Could this headline be anymore vague? The Sports Union retrieved the “materials” and tested the “substances”. Come to find out the materials were toilet seats from Clemens’ workout center. Evidently, Clemens can throw a 90-mph fastball with pinpoint accuracy, but can’t take a piss without hitting the seat. The substances were tested and found to be dripping with lies.
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If you have a headline that needs translating, please email J.David. He is dedicated to providing no spin and no bull to keep you in the loop.
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J.David has never won an award for his writing, but he is a former collegiate athlete for a small college where everyone makes the team. Currently, he is a grad student at the University of Southern California studying the archaic form called, Print Journalism. J.David is currently taking a Sports PR class to find out how those dirty bastard work, and now he is passing that information on to you, the fan. If you would like to help pay for his class it is only $4762.
Related posts:
- ⊚ Sports Headlines without the Bull (March 1-7)
- ⊚ Sports Headlines without the Bull
- ⊚ The Oscars collide with The Sports Union
- ⊚ PODCAST: March 9, 2009
- ⊚ The Sports Union’s NFL Divisional Playoff Predictions
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