Over the NBA All-Star weekend while watching the Shooting Stars competition, I was reminded of some old feelings I had tucked away.  No, they weren’t the “feelings” spurred on by the beautiful Becky Hammon; instead, they were the feelings brought out by one, Bill Laimbeer. 

When I saw the pasty white power forward standing next to the squeaky clean David Robinson, I couldn’t help but laugh at the irony.  On one side stood the “Admiral” who served his country, liked to tickle the ivories, and would lend a hand up to any player knocked to the ground in the midst of the game.  And then on the other side stood Laimbeer, who most likely knocked the guy to the ground.  Laimbeer was the man who invented new ways of goon-thugery.  He was the O.G., the Paulie Walnuts of the Pistons.

In the weeks following All-star weekend, I noticed the affects these “Bad Boys” had on the league, none more evident than the Flagrant II foul, which would be considered a simple hand check to Laimbeer and his cohorts in crime: Mahorn, Rodman, Sally and Thomas.  Can a team no longer throw five goons into the game to intimidate the opposing players with their reputations, trash talk and brute force?  The teams and players have to be sneaky now, but don’t be misled, some of the dirtiest players battle on the hardwood every night the NBA laces them up.

cheap shot artist - An individual who raises the act of taking a dishonorable, lowbrow, disrespectable action to an art form. This is accomplished either through frequent and conspicuous use of cheap shots or a particularly noteworthy low blow. (from the urban dictionary)

The criteria for selecting the top cheap shot artists in the NBA is the following:

1. They must be good.  I don’t want bench players who are no threat to truly make a difference in each and every game.  The thing about Lamibeer is that he could throw a vicious elbow on one end of the court and then hit a huge three on the following play.  How frustrating is that?
2. They must have a consistent pattern of evil and mayhem.  Everyone has a bad day when they want to kick the dog or start a brawl at work, but these dirty players must consistently be pushing the boundaries of what is wrong and downright dirty.
3. They must be annoying to everyone that doesn’t don the team colors.  These players make the opposing fans blood boil.  What made Lamibeer so great as a dirty player is that Pistons fans loved what he did and how he did it, and they expected him to do it each and every night.

CLOSE BUT NO CIGAR

Reggie Evans – Now Reggie warrants consideration for the dirtiest player list simply for the ball grab of Chris Kaman.  For a player to do the reach under-yes, not the reach around which would have been more acceptable, although still downright appalling-and grab another man’s cookies during a sporting event that doesn’t involve stretchy singlets and a sweaty mat, is downright dirty.    

This violation, which was followed by a courtesy timeout so that Kaman could take a quick smoke break, has not been the only shenanigans performed by Evans.  He is notorious for flying elbows and random cross-body checks, but Evans remains off the list of dirtiest players.  The grab and pull is not enough to secure Evans spot on the team.  He fails to meet criteria No. 1, because he absolutely sucks at basketball. 

There is no fear of Evans pouring on a scoring barrage.  The only fear opposing players have with Evans is if he is going to call them in the morning or just grab and go. 

He has no game leaving him off the list.

Ron Artest – It should be a no brainer that Artest, with the plethora of evidence against him, should be on the list.  Truth be told, he was one of the first players that came to my mind when I began creating the list. 

Artest singlehandedly incited a near riot as he shoved Ben Wallace in Detroit and then proceeded to enter the stands to beat up a person who threw a beer at him; only he began punching the wrong person.  After the battle in the stands, Artest made his way back down to the court and then punched another Pistons player who was walking by talking trash.  Classic.  Dirty. Borderline psychotic. 

But the oddities do not stop with the mayhem at the Palace.  Artest, in a game against the Celtics, pulled down Paul Pierce’s shorts during a play run specifically for Pierce. 

Couple these crazy outbursts with the consistent elbows, the hard fouls and Artest’s uncanny ability to cheap shot people while making an offensive move, and you have found a suitable member of the all-dirty list. 

The icing on the cake to solidify Artest’s position is his non-discrimination policies that include trashing everyone from all-stars to benchwarmers, opposing players to teammates.   

But, even with a load of evidence that points to Artest being dirtier than a punk rocker after a weekend music festival, he barely escapes his place on the infamous list because he breaks No. 3 of our criteria.   The fans from [fill in the team Artest now plays for, because it seems to not matter what team he plays for] hate him and consider him to be a cancer on the team, thus disqualifying him from being considered.

A dirty player has to be liked by someone, and I don’t even think Artest’s wife likes him … oh wait, that is another story. 

TO BE DETERMINED

Most All Foreign Players – I haven’t been able to determine if the foreign players are dirty or if they are just foreign players.  It is like when you walk into a room and a group of people is speaking a language you don’t understand, and you just assume they are talking trash about you.  They actually are probably not. 

I watch the NBA and all the foreign players play the same, so maybe that is not dirty?  I think the foreign players are dirty like Anderson Varejao, Sasha Vuchich, Mark Gasol, and Fabricio Oberto; but I am not certain.  Therefore, they will remain safe from the stigma that is associated with being placed on this list, until they prove consistent with their mayhem.  Though Varejao is coming dangerously close.

OFFICIALLY DIRTY AND SHOULD BE HATED

Kevin Garnett – Elbows, illegal screens, slapping, punching, trash talking and forearm shivers are all a part of Garnett’s game of intimidation (so is his blocking the shot after the whistle blows, please someone kick him in the balls).  But the dirtiest part of K.G. is that his intimidation is centered on the weak.  It is against guards, small forwards or guys with the nickname of “Big Baby”.  It is rarely against anyone with substance or girth (i.e. – Garnett is a big puss).

Seriously, I hate seeing K.G. beat on the small guards, and then take over the game offensively and defensively.  He shows glimpses of being all-world, and then he randomly slaps Tim Duncan in the back of the head (that’s OK, I hate him too.  And don’t even say, say “Timmy-D” is a big guy).

And if you can’t tell, I am not a Celtic fan and I absolutely despise Garnett and his gamely cheap shots.   Yep, all three criterions met.  K.G., you are one dirty sumbitch.

Bruce Bowen – Double B is public enemy No. 1, and there is no one who deserves the title more.  Bowen is known for consistently executing one of the dirtiest cheap shots a basketball player can do.  At least once or twice a game, he places his foot in the landing zone of an opposing players jump shot.  There is nothing cheaper than that, but to add insult to injury, Bowen also leads through picks with elbows high and sets picks with shoulders out.

With his suffocating defense built upon reaching, holding and grabbing, Bowen frustrates even the most skilled and professional scorers.  Frustration that often leads to punches being thrown, or worse, subpar play by the superstars. 

Two things that accompany Bowens repertoire of cheapness, is the “Who me?” look with hands in the air, and the deadly accurate three-pointer from the corner.  The threes happen during the most inopportune time for the team playing against the Spurs.  This adds to the opposing fan’s venom toward Bowen, and the Spurs’ fans’ admiration toward the king of cheap.

Bruce Bowen also loves playing the role of Bruce Lee as he enjoys using his feet to inflict the cheap shots on defense and offense, just ask Wally Szczerbiak and Steve Nash.  So whether it is a kick to the face on a pump fake or a knee to the groining to create some offensive space, Bowen takes the title as the cheapest, dirtiest player in the NBA.

Criteria met and Bowen leads this dirty team as captain.

* * * * * *

I am predicting that because of the leagues rule forcing all high school basketball players to play one year in college before coming into the league, there will be an influx of cheap shot artists in the next few years.  The training these future “artists” will gain under the tutelage of the college coaches and through daily instruction in dirty tactics while at the Dukes, UNLVs, Kansas States and Cincinnatis of the college world, will bring back the era of the Bad Boys.  And I can’t wait to see that next Laimbeeresque foul on a simple drive to the hoop.

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J.David has never won an award for his writing, but he is a former collegiate athlete for a small college where everyone makes the team. Currently, he is a grad student at the University of Southern California studying the archaic form called, Print Journalism.  J.David points to the Bad Boys of the Pistons’ Dynasty as the birth of his love for NBA basketball, and the Bad Boys of the Pistons’ Dynasty as the death of genuine basketball.

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