The NBA All-Star game started competitively and ended in a dull bore, which induced an already terrible crowd of non-fans into a coma that could have done permanent damage had it not been for Shaquille O’Neal’s entertaining antics.  The 4200-pound man-child started the show with a dance routine as part of the Jabberwockies, and ended holding Kobe’s hand as they shared MVP honors.  The West’s 146-119 romp was highlighted by the friendliness of the two former teammates turned enemies turned back into teammates.  I’m pretty sure the outcome was a set up by commissioner David Stern to get the positive PR from a Kobe-Shaq make-out session.  Now he just has to convince Steve Kerr to give away Shaq to the Lakers, and then instruct his refs to give Kobe every call in the finals so he can have his dreamy storybook ending.  “The NBA, where a Disney Movie happens.”

West Grades:

Chauncey Billups:   C+ 5 points on five shots.  Wasn’t much of a factor in the 19 minutes he played, but he didn’t have to be.

Kobe Bryant:     A- Game high 27, and had some high flying dunks in the first half. Not a surprise as we have come to expect this from him every time he steps on the court.  Might have taken too many shots early (10 in the first quarter-two shy of the All-Star record).  Took home his 3^rd All-Star MVP.

Tim Duncan:   C Might have taken the night off.  Only 6 points and 3 rebounds in 18 minutes for Mr. Fundamental.  Best highlight was overthrowing Yao in the post–rumor has it he forgot Ming can’t jump.

Pau Gasol:    B Very efficient night for the big man.  Fourteen points and 8 rebounds in only 17 minutes.   For a good passing big man, surprisingly he only had one assist.  And he didn’t need to play any defense, which is his biggest weakness

Yao Ming:   D+ Only West player to have a negative +/- (-2).  Scored only 2 points, but played just 12 minutes as the West starter–provided comic relief when he tried to reach for a loose ball before he realized his body doesn’t move that way.  Reminded me of the Family Guy episode with long-armed man tickling the midget in the tree.

Dirk Nowitzki:   B- Like Billups, he wasn’t much of a factor with 8 points in 14 minutes.  Gets the bump for his plus 18, and putting up with Craig Sager and his neon-pink suit for an interview during the game.

Shaquille O’Neal:  A I don’t believe in A+’s, but if I did he might get one just because we expected so little from him to start.  The Shaqerwockie was an astounding 8-for-9 for 17 points in only 11 minutes.  To use the term “Vintage” wouldn’t even do his performance justice.  Without Shaq this game would have caused several thousand people to commit suicide.  Only downside was his ‘aw shucks’ routine at the end, is there any way to read that other than “I really really really want to be a Laker again”???

Tony Parker:   B Scan the play-by-play and you will notice, “Tony Parker makes driving lay-up” quite frequently.  He showed off his speed as much as TNT showed off his wife–anytime they got the chance.

Chris Paul:  B+ Scored a lot after the game was decided, but spent most of the game doing what he does best:  setting up others.  His final stat line:  14 points, 14 assists, and 7 rebounds.

Brandon Roy: B+ Played a game high 31 minutes and showed off not only his silky smooth jumper but his high flying ability on some super dunks and oops en route to a 7-8 shooting night to go along with 5 rebounds and 5 assists.

Amare Stoudemire: B Would have been higher, except that every time he scored we got to hear how it might be the last time he plays in that building for the Suns.  Had a monster windmill at the end, I’m pretty sure he was picturing Terry Porters face in the net when he ferociously slammed it home.

David West:  D Did he even play? Are we sure it was actually David West who scored 6 unspectacular points in 14 minutes?

East Grades:

Ray Allen:   C- Ray was just there for the cake.

Kevin Garnett:  B+ Shot 5-for-5 in just 19 minutes.  Once the game got out of hand we didn’t see much of him.  Limiting his minutes was probably by design seeing as the East could have used him more against the much bigger West.

Danny Granger: C- Only played 11 minutes and took just one shot.  He’s a first timer on an injured knee,  so I’ll only penalize him a little.

Devin Harris:  D Not a good game for the guy who just broke the Guinness Book of World Record’s time for dribbling a ball baseline to baseline-3.9 sec (according to TNT).  Scored only 6 points in 17 minutes; worse, he had 0 assists.

Dwight Howard:  B- His playful antics always make the game more interesting.  His getting schooled by Shaq on a between the legs bounce pass was priceless.  Several monster blocks as well.

Allen Iverson: D Two points on 1-4 shooting.  Was Ivo trying to prove something by not shooting or doing anything of substance after a nifty fake pass early in the game?  He got more attention over cutting his hair than anything else.  Of course his hairstyle choice was attributed to President Obama…like everything else.

LeBron James:  B- Seemed like Bron Bron was trying to go for the big play every time he touched the ball.  Particularly disconcerting was his meager 3 assists.  Hopefully his off-the-backboard dunk to end the game (which he made look incredibly easy) is a preview of what we will see in next years dunk competition.

Joe Johnson:   D 22 minutes and 0 points?  How is that even possible? Did he forget the point of the game is to put the orange ball through the orange iron circle?  He had 5 turnovers as well.  Is it possible that David Stern recruited him to play Saboteur so he could set up his Shaq-Kobe love pageant?

Rashard Lewis:  C Only 8 points in 22 minutes, and was 1-for-4 from beyond the arc.  He would have been graded worse except somehow he had to guard Shaq, which means he will now be on several new posters…of course it didn’t help that the East had 0 big men on the bench.

Paul Pierce:  B PP was the main reason it was close in the first half.  The larger question is why did Mike Brown do the Celtics a favor by playing “The Trio” less than 20 minutes????

Dwyane Wade:  C+ Scored 18 points on 6-13 shooting.  He did collect five assists and made several spectacular plays after opening the game with a deep three.  He would have gotten a higher grade except I cannot in good conscience overlook the 3 missed free throws at the end of the game.  Really? He missed all three???

Mo Williams:   B- Proved he belonged in this game with 12 points and 5 assists.  Was one of only two East players with a positive +/- for the night.

************************************

Kevin Patra lives by the adage: Those who can’t do, teach, and those who can’t do or teach, write. Currently, he is a graduate student at the University of Southern California studying Online Journalism, after spending four years at the University of Michigan obtaining a bachelors degree from the school of Language, Science & Fun. Patra still owns a teal Grant Hill jersey and is looking for his old FILA basketball shoes.

Related posts:

1. ⊚  A Look Back at the NHL All-Star Game (Part Deux)
2. ⊚  All-Star Mistake
3. ⊚  A Look Back at the NHL All-Star Game
4. ⊚  What Christmas Day at the Laker/Celtics Game Taught Me
5. ⊚  Mo Room at the All-Star Inn for Williams