The Leastern Conference has now become the LeBronference.  There is very little that King James can’t do.  He’s rounded off his weaknesses: by picking up his defense, and improving his jump shot has  each year he’s been in the league (but please, LBJ, please keep taking it; as a Detroit fan I’d rather watch you jack up threes at 32% than see you carry five defenders through the lane as you “count that baby and the foul” to steal a phrase from my man George Blaha).  As good as the Celtics were last year they just don’t have enough to withstand the Cavs for a series (assuming they are healthy and make it to the conference finals).  You can’t take much from Cleveland’s recent blowout of Boston.  They were without Garnett and didn’t have much to play for.  But as with every defending champion, they lack that certain fire they had last year.  Also, LeBron has that “I just don’t give a [editor's cut]” look during every game.  It’s the same look Tiger gets on the back nine when he’s down one stroke –he knows he’s going to win, and so does the other guy.

I’ve made my EC pick fairly evident. But we have a long way until we get there. An excruciatingly, excruciatingly, excruciatingly, excruciatingly, excruciatingly (five is enough, no?) long way to go.  Without further ado I will break down the first round match-ups (as usual in the NBA, don’t expect upsets, since switching to the 7-game format, they rarely happen in the first round).

Remember in “He Got Game” when Denzel Washington kept kicking the crap out of the young Jesus Shuttlesworth, then Jesus morphed into Ray Allan and it wasn’t even close, but the old man couldn’t let it go?  That’s pretty much what happened to the Pistons-Cavs rivalry.  After LeBron realized he could beat the Pistons by himself, it was the beginning of the end.  Now that the Pistons are a more pathetic version of straight-out-of-jail Denzel, things could get ugly.  Not only can the ‘Stons not stop LBJ (who can) they also have no answer for Illgauskas in the middle (Never thought I’d write that, but unless ‘Sheed somehow wakes up after his yearlong Rip Van Winkle impersonation the limber Lithuanian will cause havoc down low).  Also, they have never been good against Mo Williams, even when he was on the Buck he would score at will against the Pistons.  The only thing on the Pistons’ side is that they have continually played well over the years when everyone counted them out.  However they were younger, didn’t have a rookie head coach, were hungry, and didn’t have to face the best 24-year-old linebacker the NBA has ever seen.  Sorry to say but I’m calling this Cav’s in five (and that one is out of respect).

Boston took the seasons series 2-1 but their two wins came before the mid-season trade that improved the Bulls by bringing them John Salmons and Brad Miller (18-11 since).  Chicago won the most recent meeting on March 17, but the Celtics were without Kevin Garnett and Brian Scalabrine (what team can expect to win without its token red-headed white dude?).  Chicago could give the Celtics some trouble, especially with Garnett coming off injury.  Derrick Rose has had several good games against Rajon Rondo, and can use his size against the smaller and lighter Rondo.  However, they don’t have an answer for Paul Pierce, who went for 37 in the last match-up.  Look for the Celtics to help off of Thomas and Noah and dare them to beat them from the outside.  This could have a similar feel to last years first round match-up for the Celtics, but in the end they have too much firepower for the Bulls.  Celtics in six.

Both teams have backed their way into the playoffs.  The Magic losing four of their last six games, and the ’76ers dropping six in a row before finishing the season with an overtime victory against a Cleveland squad who was resting some of its key players.  This will be a battle of styles as Philly wants to get up and down (since Elton Brand went out) and Orlando wants to slow it down spread the court and dump it into Howard or shoot threes.  The playoffs have always catered to the latter style.  The Sixers have a couple bodies to match-up with Howard down low–Sam Dalembert and Theo Ratliff–but all they are is 12 fouls.  They won’t make Dwight work or even pay attention to them on defense leaving him to roam free.  Philly’s supposed best player, Andre Iguodala, is second-tier on the court any way you look at it, but getting paid like a first-tier performer–call him the Keanu Reeves of basketball.  I don’t like this match-up for Philly, if it weren’t for Orlando playing shaky down the stretch I’d call it a sweep.  Magic in five.

I will be thoroughly disappointed if this series doesn’t end up going seven games.  Each team has a ball-handling scorer (Wade, Johnson).  Each team has a undersized scoring big man (Miami actually has 2, Beasely and Haslem; Horford for Atlanta).  Neither team is a great defensive squad.  And both teams have fans who’d rather be doing something besides sitting in an arena.  Wade has been spactacular this season, and were it not for King James would–in my egotistical opinion–be the league MVP.  The Hawks have absolutely no one who can even dream about guarding him.  Bibby? To slow, too short.  Johnson?  Right, you want your best player in foul trouble early in games, that’s the best way to win.  Flip Murray?  Seriously? (Hey Flip, if your coach even asks you to guard Wade, please do all the fans a favor and just sit at the scorers table until your team gets the ball.  If he asks why just say ‘coach its better for us to play 4-on-5′ then join the rush on offense.  Wait, what’s that you say? You already do that, my fault…moving on).  The Hawks best bet is to put the bigger Maurice Evans on him and pray to whatever god still lives in Atlanta that the help-side defense actually gets there when he burns him off the dribble–over and over and over again.  However, from Atlanta’s perspective they have to like how they match-up on offense.  Johnson averaged more than 21 points in the first three games of the series–the fourth game was a ‘don’t show’em your cards’ game on Tuesday when the match-up was already set and both teams mainly played  scrubs.  Also, they don’t have to worry about their smaller lineup getting killed up front against Miami.  I am picturing this series going down to the wire and Dwyane Wade getting a phantom bailout call to win it on the road.  Now where have I seen that before??? Heat in seven.

Check back tomorrow as J.David breaks down the Western Conference

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Kevin Patra lives by the adage: Those who can’t do, write. Currently, he is a graduate student at the University of Southern California studying Online Journalism, after spending four years at the University of Michigan obtaining a bachelors degree from the school of Language, Science & Fun. Patra still owns a teal Grant Hill jersey and is looking for his old FILA basketball shoes.

Related posts:

1. ⊚  The Top-5 Eastern Conference All-Stars (of my era)
2. ⊚  All-Star Mistake
3. ⊚  The Top-5 Western Conference All-Stars (of my era)
4. ⊚  Recap of the Wild Card Round for Betting Purposes
5. ⊚  NBA Cracks Down on Personalized Band-Aids just in Time