It is Day 94 in sports fan hell but for all practical purposes I am done with my exile to sports oblivion.  In a weird twist of fate I was booted from my apartment and forced to live in a penthouse on Long Street, the Bourbon Street of Cape Town.  Upon entering the apartment, my roommates were taken by the amazing view of the street from the enormous patio that housed a wonderful hot tub and was nothing short of a potential MTV Real World stage.  Not this sports guy though as tears welled up in my eyes as I saw the satellite dish that announced the possibility of ESPN.

I quickly snatched the remote and began to mash the buttons in a desperate attempt to discover a sports channel.  Like a crack addict who just located a cheap dealer, I breathed a sigh of relief as the guide proclaimed station 230 as the apple of my eye. With the giddiness of a schoolgirl, I giggled my way through the meaningless channels until I reached my final destination for the weekend; ESPN.  As the channel beamed over the TV, the picture could only be described as the final kick in the groin given me from South Africa to me with love.

“G-O-L-F!  Are you frickin’ kidding me?”

The ESPN of South African dedicated the next 4 hours to golf coverage and followed that outstanding programming with 6-hours keen on X-Games coverage.  After repeatedly stabbing myself in the face with a fork, I sat down and developed a game plan for the moment I stepped foot back in the states. 

Step 1 – Catch up on my reading.

As soon as the doors release me from the plane at LAX, I will make my way to the airport bookstore to purchase some reading material: ESPN The Magazine, Sports Illustrated and The Sporting News.  The Los Angeles Times will round out the reading and get me caught up on what is going on in the sporting world since I have been

Step 2 – Get a quick fix.

From the bookstore, I will head directly to the saddest place on the face of the earth: the airport bar.  I am in no rush to get my bags from baggage claim, so I will enjoy a few drinks and a couple hours of real, American SportsCenter.   

Step 3 – Clear the calendar.

After lying to my friend about the reason why I was late getting off the plane, I will head to her house and take my rightful place on her couch and begin watching sports until bed sores form on my backside or my own body odor offends me.  In South Africa I had 3 channels and that is all.  Now I can flip through all the ESPN channels, MLB Network, NFL Network and all the FSN channels leaving me with something sporty to watch every minute of the day.  Who is in heaven now?

Step 4 – Head to Buffalo Wild Wings

After being given an ultimatum and being thrown out of the house, I will head to Buffalo Wild Wings to partake in everything a sports fan desires:  good food, big screens and other people who know and love sports.  It is a good thing that Buffalo Wild Wings doesn’t serve breakfast because they would be serving this sports fan three or four meals a day.

Step 5 – Go to as many live sporting events as possible.

Living in Los Angeles affords me the ability to experience every sports competition available.  The Dodgers are in town and the Angels are close, so a baseball game is definitely in the plan.

* * *

It has been a long time of watching cricket, darts, rugby and every other obscure “sport” that the South Africans hold dear.  Now it is my time to enjoy the real sports of America and maybe that thing they call soccer. 

Related posts:

1. ⊚  100 Days in Sports Fan Hell
2. ⊚  100 Days in Sports Fan Hell: Cape Town Has Done [it] Wrong.
3. ⊚  Penance to Rescue Me From Sports Fan Hell
4. ⊚  Foreign Reports: Confederations Cup
5. ⊚  Sports Headlines without the Bull (March 8-15)