It is Day 58 of living in sports fan hell and it hasn’t gotten any colder.  I mean for a second there, OK a nano-second, I was excited about the possibility of the good ol’ USofA taking the Confederations Cup here on the soil I am calling home, but cooler heads prevailed as I sat at the dank Jo-Burg bar listening to some drunk South African chant “U-S-A, U-S-A, U-S-A!” 

My good friend-actually from the U.S. and huge soccer aficionado-spoke the truth and said, “I am going to be pissed if the U.S. wins, because they don’t deserve to win.  If the fans in America only get excited about soccer when their team is about to do something great, than they don’t deserve the parade.”

Luckily, it was about that time when Brazil laid the lickin’ on the Red, White & Blue leaving no doubt who the legit soccer country was and will remain.

 It was only then that I realized that the NBA Draft had just happened three days prior.  I am madly in love with the NBA and yet I didn’t even have a clue who was picked first … oh wait, Blake Griffin … who was picked second.  Did the Pistons pick another Darko?  Did those “hoop stars” from USC get shipped off to Europe yet?    

It was like I had been banished to some desert island and forced to reflect on my life to figure out something deep about my inner being.  So, here I am locked in my room and paying penance (Discover 3 Truths About Yourself) to get out of this sports fan hell and back to paradise.

Truth #1 – I am just a sports guy.

Now granted, this should not come as a surprise to me but it did.  I have been told this time and time again and usually with a judgmental finger pointed near my chest, but this time I felt like it was a badge of honor.

I have been here in South Africa covering “sports” and although they are not the sports I enjoy, (basketball, football, golf, baseball) they keep my attention.  Everything from fencing, darts, dragon boat racing and scrabble has been assigned to me and each time I find a connection with the competitor that is not based on what they play but why they play.  The thrill of the competition, challenge of oneself, successes, failures and the life lessons learned are all reasons these “athletes” play their “sport.”  It didn’t matter if I thought it was not a REAL sport like cheerleading or gymnastics are not real, or even if I thought it was truly legit, the connection with the competitor was real and I could talk for days about the winning, losing and the how you play the game.

“Hi.  My name is J.David.  And I am a sports guy.  [HELLO J.DAVID]”

Truth #2 – I will not watch just any sport.

You would think that if I am a sports guy that I would watch any sport that comes on TV.  Actually, I have been unjustly accused multiple times that I do watch sports like bowling if it is the only thing on TV (OK, I do watch the trick bowling shots because that is just some crazy stuff!). 

However, this past Sunday afternoon I disapproved that assumption and discovered another genuine truth about myself.

Bafana Bafana was beating Spain in the Confeds Cup runner-up game and had the game well in hand until the 80^th minute or so.  Spain scored two goals faster than a hooker on Long Street.  The pan of the crowd showed the devastation in the eyes of South Africa, leaving a deafening silence in the stadium-though that could have been just because everyone had ripped their ears off because of the vuvuzelas.  In the extra minutes, South Africa scored an amazing goal on a free kick and the match entered extra time.  Within minutes I had put on shorts and a t-shirt and headed out the door for the gym.

Whereas, I will watch trick bowling from time to time, the extra minutes of an amazing soccer match could not keep my ADD/HD mind from moving elsewhere.  I realized I won’t just watch any sport, but I will watch any sport only if I am totally bored with nothing better to do. 

Truth #3 – I know that the gym is for the girls to workout and the guys to watch the girls.

My final penance brings me to the realization that when I go to the gym it is purely to look at the girls and not actually to get in shape.  Sounds perverse, I know.  Everyone knows this to be true which is why Curves was created, the women only gyms, but I didn’t realize that it didn’t really matter if I ever got into shape.  It is the blonde on the dancey machine, the red head on the running man, and the brunette on the treadmill that brings me to my gym.

And my penance is complete:  I realize that I am just a perverse sports guy who won’t watch just any sport but will definitely watch the blonde, the red head and the brunette all afternoon at the Virgin Active.

And with my Nike kicks, I click my heels and say, “There’s no place like home.  There’s no place like home.  There’s no place . . .”

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J.David has never won an award for his writing, but he is a former collegiate athlete for a small college where everyone makes the team.  Currently, he is a grad student at the University of Southern California studying the archaic form called, Print Journalism.  J.David is so demented; he once dedicated the Ugly Kid Joe’s song “I hate everything about you!” to a girl in college.

Related posts:

1. ⊚  100 Days in Sports Fan Hell
2. ⊚  Foreign Reports: Confederations Cup
3. ⊚  Foreign Reports: Fencing From South Africa
4. ⊚  Long Live the Vuvuzela! At Least For Another Year
5. ⊚  The Sports Union’s Bracket Racket (updated)