In order to help football fans navigate through the ever spinning PR machine, J.David gives his round-up of the weekly sports headlines. He removes the bull and reads in between the lines and uncovers the real story and the meanings of those stories you just can’t live without.
COLLEGE FOOTBALL
Carroll’s song of day: ‘The Kids Aren’t Alright’
After a devastating lost to the Huskies of Washington, Pete Carroll’s minion [Carroll is so technology challenged he has no idea how to put batteries in a remote, let alone use one] tweeted for the coach, “Song of the day: Kids Aren’t Alright by Offspring.” At first glance this is a fairly good choice in songs but we found Carroll’s other song suggestions that were cut and dropped to the locker room floor; amidst the dirty jocks, tear-drenched towels and shattered dreams of the Trojan faithful.
- “Hold Me” by Fleetwood Mac
- “What Happened to Us?” by Hoobastank
- “Boys Don’t Cry” by The Cure
- “Oops!…I Did It Again” by Britney Spears
- “99 Problems” by Jay Z
Steve Sarkisian, head coach of Washington, posted his own song of the day to Carroll after the improbable victory against the Trojans. The song is entitled, “Thanks for your boring ass, uninspired play calling and your total lack of confidence in your quarterback.” It’s emo.
Other Tweets Heard Round College Football:
Urban Meyer: @Lane Kiffin – blow me!
Charlie Weis: @assistant coaches – someone handle the halftime speech because I am hitting the Old Country Buffet on Grape Rd.
Clemson Football: @fan in misery – WE WON! So, enjoy your pathetic life this week which is obviously based on whether we win or lose.
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Minnesota AD upset with fans leaving early to beat traffic
Joel Maturi, the athletic director for the Minnesota Golden Gophers, was upset at the many Gopher fans who left prematurely at Saturday’s game against #8 Cal Berkley. As the mob of gophers burrowed their way to the exits, Maturi speculated the reason for the mass exodus was simply to beat traffic. However, fans stated the main reasons for the early movement toward the exits were the “utter impossibility of beating an actual good team” and the “loss of a good buzz” when the game hit the 2-hour mark.
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AROUND THE NFL
Favre Likely to Play with Bent Fingernail
Brett Favre’s streak for consecutive games started, currently sitting at 271 games, should not be in jeopardy this Sunday. Viking personnel said Favre’s “bent fingernail” is not as serious as they thought earlier, but it still hurts really, really, really bad. Favre’s thumbnail on his throwing hand underwent extensive treatment on Monday that included a “motherly-type lady blowing on it to ease the pain, wrapping it with a Barney Band-aid and giving it a little kiss.” Doctors are expecting a full recovery.
The 14-year-old Viking superfan from Owatonna, MN, Katie Kelley, said, “Tell that little girl, Favre, to suck it up and stop being such a punk-bitch pansy.”
HBO Real Sports looks at the consequences of concussions
Host of the HBO Real Sports show, Bryant Gumbel, is taking an in-depth look at the consequences of concussions in professional sports this coming week. The two-year study was vigorous and its findings are conclusive in regards to the immediate and long-term consequences. Gumbel concludes that the immediate consequence is a “super-bad headache like the worst hangover you’ve ever had headache,” and the long-term consequence is stupidity.
In Related News:
Birk donates brain for safety of future linemen
Matt Birk, Harvard graduate in his 12th NFL season, insisted that doctors remove his brain immediately so they could help future linemen who will no doubt be left just as dumb as he is. After the 7-hour medical procedure, doctors found that that thing had been rattle around so much in that can of his that it was virtually useless.
SIDENOTE: The Baltimore Raven, Birk, played well this weekend against San Diego experiencing no side effects from the operation. He was able to continue his job as starting center for the Ravens even after the removal of his brain proving once again that you don’t need to be smart to be a dumb linemen.
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FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS
Arkansas high school coach doesn’t believe in punting or kicking
Kevin Kelley, coach at Pulaski Academy in Little Rock, Arkansas, is unconventional to say the least. This high school coach told SI that he refuses to carry a punter or a placekicker on his football roster forcing him to always go for it on fourth downs.
“The average punt in high school nets you 30 yards, but we convert around half our fourth downs, so it doesn’t make sense to give up the ball,” said Kelley. “Besides, if your offense knows it has four downs instead of three, it totally changes the game. I don’t believe in punting and really can’t ever see doing it again.”
Friday night’s game against Lake Hamilton was a coaching duel between childhood friends. Kelley and the Lake Hamilton coach, Jerry Clay, grew up together and were best of friends. After the win, Clay said of his friend, who admitted to learning everything he knows about football from playing the Madden video games, “He was an annoying kid, back in the day and especially when we played Madden. He would always go for it on fourth down and it is safe to say his philosophy hasn’t changed a bit.”
After the third consecutive fourth-down conversation on Friday night, Clay called timeout and promptly walked across the field and punched Kelley in the face. Order was restored to the game after both of the boy’s mothers came down from the stands and threatened to take the game away if the boys couldn’t get along. Both boys sheepishly said they were sorry and the game continued with minimal bickering. Lake Hamilton won 32-30.
Related posts:
- ⊚ Headlines from around the Sporting World
- ⊚ The Sports Union’s College Football Preview
- ⊚ [reprint] Fashion, Football and a whole lot of Buckeyes
- ⊚ Sports Headlines without the Bull (March 1-7)
- ⊚ Sports Headlines without the Bull
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